Halloweenie September 23, 2011

Months ago, my parent’s dog bit the hell out of my finger.  This left me with a scar.  I assume she wanted to mark me as her bitch, because now she follows me around everywhere and allows me to do pretty much anything I want.  I have affectionately dubbed her Sausage (as you might have gathered from previous posts) because she is a fat dog.  The upside of having a fat dog?  She can wear headbands for children!  Case in point: I went to the local dollar store and procured her a witch headband, complete with red braids.  I thought this was a nice statement between “I’m a bitch” and “I’m super cute.”

Before she realized what I had done.

And this was AFTER she realized what I had done.

The picture directly following this was me, losing a finger.  I did not photograph that for your own good.  To be fair, I deserved it.  I stuffed her into a toddler headband.  Those things annoy me, and I’m a princess.

She did look cute though for a millisecond, right?  It was totally worth losing the digit.  Who needs pinkies anyway? Ok fine.  SHUT UP SISTER (here’s why if you missed it.)

Insomnia is Evil September 23, 2011

If you know me, you know I don’t sleep.  I’m like a vampire – but without the cool mystique, ability to survive without a bag of chips and easy cheese…oh and the whole “never get old” part.  On one of my sleepless nights, I was scrolling through the channels. (God bless movie channels for keeping me off infomercial hell each night.) I came across a movie with an actress I’d actually heard of, so I stopped to watch.  Big mistake.

The story was very basic.  Hollywood A-lister turns D-list and is booted out of Hollywood….only to find herself in the land of what I am pretty sure was West Side Story meets anything Fosse choreographed.  And, it got worse from there.

Here are a couple of shots from my tv (apologies for the lack of quality) to allow you a glimpse into the personal hell of this movie.

West Side Story? No, just a bad movie with predictable choreography.

It was so bad I couldn't turn away.

I’m pretty sure that I must have been asleep and this was a dream I had to remind me why I never sleep:  bad dreams happen to good people.  I actually convinced myself of this until I saw the evidence of my movie (which has a title I can’t remember) in the pictures on my phone.

Now I have the song stuck in my head and I’m shooting Fosse-style dance moves around the office.  No one is happy with me, but I can’t stop it. Really.  I need help.

Just Come Out and Say It September 12, 2011

I need a new thermostat, but I don’t know what kind.  So, I type in what kind of ther….and then Google takes it from there.  Thanks Google.  I feel really great about myself right now.   This would be a GREAT time to have a new swear word.

Thanks Google. I think you need help too.

We Need More $@!%ing Curse Words September 12, 2011

Please see:  Four Letter Words
Yes.  I’m a genteel southern lady…99% of the time.  That means that I do not normally utter four letter words.  However, call it the moon, call it my attitude, call it hormones….today I have the mouth of a sailor.

Here’s the funny thing.  No one here seems to give a damn that I have taken new words into my vocabulary today.  Perhaps it is because swearing is an intrinsic part of everyone else’s vocabulary, thus it seems second nature.

To me, when I swear it sounds like the first time you ever heard your teacher let loose. (Mr. C, sixth grade science teacher, after burning his arm hair off on my volcano for science fair, yelled on camera incidentally “GOD DAMN PIECE OF SHIT”.  This was quickly followed by a blushing smile and a quick run to the medical cabinet.  I won second place out of embarrassment I think.) Anyway…it’s like the world freezes for a moment and you literally pause because you are thiscertain that the world is ending and pigs WILL begin to fly at any moment. (And if that is the case, who wants to miss that shit?)

So.  Back to my theory.  I think we need new curse words that, once again, make people look for flying pigs or at the very least go “what ever happened to damn it?”

I say SHIT.  I say ASSHOLE.  I say FUCK.  Impressed? Still listening? Of course not.  Gone are the days where mere four letter words cause ladies to clutch their pearls in horror whilst fanning themselves.  As I said earlier, I can place the word fuck before pretty much any word and no one blinks an eye….except my mom.  Sorry mom.  Or if you are at church.  I don’t recommend the f-bomb at church gatherings.

Although I am not a big user of profanity, I do see that we have a need for it.  There really are some days where a demure “sonofabitch” doesn’t work.  Let’s face it.  Today, is one of those days for me.  There literally is no word that cuts the shit I have been in today.  Not one.  And this is a travesty!  Plus, some words simply make me laugh.  Admit it – the first time you heard someone use fuckface with full intent, you burst into giggles didn’t you.  I did.

As a relatively unseasoned profane-linguistics scholar, I need your help oh blog reader of mine.  We need new words.  I promise to attempt seasoning them into my vocabulary, if only while I’m cleaning cat litter.

Here is my one guideline:

The words must be real words, not dumb ass shit you make up.  For example, you can’t just say, “Fajr” is the new “ass” or “bitch”.  It should already be a word in our dictionary that has some connotation of dirty/bad/foul.

The gauntlet is thrown.  Is it possible to find the world’s new indecencies? Are there any words left seen as off-limits?  Please enlighten me.  How will I judge a newly instated curse word?

1. It must be a solid, pop right out there word that is easy to pronounce.  Most inspired cursing I hear is after a few cocktails – aka you have to make it work for drunk people.
2. I must combine nicely with most other nouns (ass-hat; bitch-face).
3. It must sound good in the mouth of my old roommate. My roommate taught me the difference in curse word inflection, and introduced me to most of them.  Therefore, I bow to her utterances.  She can make pretty much any word both funny, foul and scary at the same time.  It is a talent.

I’ll update if I get any feedback.  Until then, get back to fucking work, bless your heart.  (Because I’m still a good southern girl. )

Four Letter Words September 12, 2011

FUCK!!!!

Because some days damn it, asshole and shit just don’t cut it.

Thanks for listening.  No one else has today.

Sure. Why not. September 8, 2011

Because of my job, I have serious doubts about getting older and allowing the youth of today care for me, the planet or anything else aside from a cell phone.
Case in point:

Me: I need to verify your shipping address, this one is not the one we have on file for you.

Completely Oblivious Student: Um. What did I put?

Me: Blah Blah Blah Building. (Protect the ignorant by not posting the address)

Completely Oblivious Student: Um. What address do you have on file?

Me: Blah Blah Blah…..

Completely Oblivious Student: Um. Well I just guessed at the address when I typed it in. I thought it sounded about right.

Me: So I should use the address on file?

Completely Oblivious Student: Um. Sure.  Why not.

Me: Ok then.  Sure.  Why not!  Have a great day.

a) you don’t know where you live  b) you guessed at the address c) you have no idea if the address I have for you is correct.  I know 3-year-old children who know more than this girl.  I rolled my eyes so hard I think I sprained something.

You Say Tomato. I Say PISS OFF. September 7, 2011

This is why I need therapy.  People actually make requests like this to me all day long.

“Please change the following information on the online form you created:  ‘you have studied at least six months with the applicant and are knowledgeable of her ability in music theater’ to ‘the applicant has studied at least six months with you, and you are knowledgeable of her ability in music theater’.

GOOD GOD.  Please waste more of my time.  Thankyouverymuch.

UPDATED: Flirty Vaginas September 6, 2011

In case you were wondering, oh dearest reader of mine, I did have my Flirty Vagina Party last week.  It was quite a success.  I had the great luxury of hosting a group of ladies that is quickly becoming my family.  I won’t get sappy… but I totally could.

I think we did more laughing and talking than we did watching the DVD series we began…. but it was perfect.   We even toasted to raising our vaginas….. my sister would be so proud.

Here are the things I learned from the evening:

1) I have PIC (who was there!), but now I have to come up with nicknames for the other ladies so that I can write about the adventures I am sure will ensue.

2) Almost all my girls have small feet so we can share shoes!

3) Top shelf cherries rock.

4) Dogs and cats can mingle in peace (mostly).

5) PJs and heels are totally sexy!

6) There is nothing my girl’s won’t support me on….no matter how silly I sound.

7) I have finally met my matches in Apples to Apples.  I no longer wear that crown.

8) I think my friends thought I was kidding….but now they see I really don’t sleep.

9) Nothing makes you laugh harder than a toasting your female anatomy.

10) I am the luckiest girl to have such amazing friends.

Fear and Monsoons September 6, 2011

I had an awful weekend.  The result was me fleeing to a neighboring state that was void of all things stressful.  Well….so I thought.
I took the hell dog with me.  We will call her Sausage (because she looks more like a sausage link than a dog at this point).  Sausage was in a bad mood and pretty much bit at the air and screamed at me the whole way.  I took her with me into a store and where I conducted some serious retail therapy.   Apparently this was not acceptable because the heavens opened up and torrential rains were pouring down.  Me, the healthy one, parked all the way out at the end of the parking lot.  So me, my purchases and Sausage had to brave the sideways rain and my newly coiffed hair.  There is no recovering from that.  When I got everything into the car, I had to dry Sausage.  A prissy dog, Sausage was not ok with her wet mane (also recently coiffed).  I managed to get her mostly back to normal, except for her tail.  Sausage’s tail  looked like it had met a bad perm from the 80s and possibly a crimping iron from the 90s.  Although Sausage is not my favorite furry animal, I did feel for her.  Her eyes were screaming, “Damn you rain!”  So was I.  I looked horrible….and therefore no photos were not taken.

Poor Sausage. Her tail never did untangle.

So that was traumatic, but it did not prepare me for what came next.  GPS decided that I should take a scenic way home.  Ok.  That sounds ok – plus it is about half an hour closer…..oh how wrong.

Apparently GPS has a different definition of “scenic” than I do.  Scenic, to my demented GPS, means windy roads, fog, and nothing but barns and trailers.  I kept thinking, “My God…none of these dwellings would withstand the Big Bad Wolf. Yes, I referenced the Three Little Pigs.

Literally y’all, there was not a “real” home for almost 45 minutes.  I grew up in a small town, so I have mega love for the non-urban life.  However, this was not small, quaint town.  This was drag you into a barn and murder you – no one would ever hear you scream territory.  Also, it was eerie still.  Not quiet and calm, rather it was the eerie kind of still that makes your skin crawl.  And, since it had monsooned, there was a thick fog.  And there was a bear.  And a dog.  You’ll see.

I realized that Sausage and I could be abducted and/or eaten by wolves or bears.  I was momentarily happy that I didn’t look my normal, pulled together self.  Perhaps this would help me blend in and deter whatever is out there.

I began to take photos as best I could while driving, solely to document my life and location in case I was abducted.  Here is a random sampling.  I did make it out alive….but I will never trust my GPS again….ever.

One of many creepy barns along the way. However, damn that grass looks great!

Wet road, creepy fog, winding road and steep drop off. WHY does my GPS hate me so?

Another creepy barn.

I have no idea what possessed me to document this.

What I didn't capture was the bear that ran into the woods. Maybe you can see him if you squint?

I drove as fast as I can. This is what fear looks like.

Even the dog looked at me like WHAT in hell are you doing on this road. RUN NOW.

Beastly Coffee September 6, 2011

I drink a lot of coffee. I love it.  Normally I don’t get grounds in my coffee, and if I do, they don’t look like anything.  On this day I was in a particularly beastly mood for reasons too dramatic to share.  I was mad that I had a mouth full of grounds, which I swallowed as best I could.  I looked into my cup.

Behold.  The Coffee Beast.

Coffee Beast

I’m taking votes.  We all know from earlier posts that I love hippos and rhinos.  I thought this was fate laughing at me.  What do you think?

Does this look like:

A) A wild boar

B) A charging hippo

C) A rhinoceros

D) I don’t see anything.  I think you are crazy.

More importantly y’all….. what does this mean?