Damn it, Lola!

I’m fresh off a weekend with the PIC.  We went to a nearby town, which will remain anonymous.  Why may you ask?  Well.  Although I will certainly be going back, we have come to three conclusions about said town that are not really a good reflection of such a lovely city.

1) Everyone has their hands down their pants.  I’m not kidding y’all!  This is not age exclusive, not even gender exclusive.  We saw people of all races, ages and genders digging in the pants.  Back – front, it didn’t matter.  Apparently there is “gold in them-there hills.”  How else do you explain being elbow deep in your pants?  Really – ELBOW DEEP.  This is past a simple wedgey…Did your butt actually eat your underwear? Short of digging for gold, I can’t think of anything worth being elbow deep IN PUBLIC (at a restaurant!) in the back of my pants. I pay good money to Victoria’s Secret to have underwear that has no butt to it.  I suggest all people in this town invest in some, that way they won’t have to dig so much.

2) Everyone has IBS.  I prefer to think that because it is a much funnier story than what I’m pretty sure is the actual answer for multi-bathroom trips that last too long.  Dear City residents, invest in Amitiza.  According to their commercials, it should really help you guys out.

3) Everyone humps.  NO, not that way…. they hump dance on their significant others.  This is not limited to a dance floor.  They hump dance at restaurants, standing at a bar, standing in line for the bathroom or at their table – with or without music.  And, if a person is not handy, they hump at the chair in front of them.  If there is no chair, they hump at the table.  If there is no table, the floor is an acceptable alternative.  This is specific to females. Oddly, no males offer their services as a hump-alternate.  They watch in awe (and perhaps pity?) at the humping female.

So, in conclusion of this fine city, PIC and I will never fit into this city because everyone else is in the bathroom every 15 minutes, has their hands down their pants and is humping something.  Not the slogan the CVB puts out there, but certainly true from what we witnessed.

I have diverged from the topic at hand dear reader.  Back on track.  My PIC (partner in crime) has named my GPS Lola.  I like that name.  Normally Lola behaves.  Normally Lola helps me get everywhere I need.  This was not the case this weekend.  Lola acted like something out of a drunken frat party.  How, you may be wondering, does a GPS act like a drunken party girl?  Here you go:

a) Lola: She took 10 minutes to “acquire satellites” (Note: perfectly clear day – not even a cloud.)

Frat Girl Action: 10 minutes to figure out where the hell she spent last night, grab her purse and stumble into the street.

b) Lola : Shouts “lost satellite reception” at random moments. This is followed by asking “Are you in NC” and “Are you indoors”. (Again, perfectly clear day and no, we were not indoors.)

Frat Girl Action: Shouts “Where the hell am I?” at random moments.  Asks people around her for landmarks, in an attempt to find a way home.

c) Lola: Shouts “recalculating” and then continues on the same route.

Frat Girl Action: Says, “I’m leaving.” Then, continues to drink heavily.

d) Lola: doesn’t tell you to turn until it is already too late to get into the proper lane, and/or you have already missed your turn.

Frat Girl Action: You are trying to get her drunk-self home, but she can’t remember where she lives, and doesn’t tell you to turn until it is already too late to get into the proper lane, and/or you have already missed your turn.

Lola’s actions became the bane of PIC’s existence.  To her AMAZING credit, she managed to navigate through Lola’s defiance.  She didn’t even complain….but she did scream “Damn it, Lola” many times.  I screamed “Dumb Bitch!” more often than I could count.  (Which took PIC by surprise because I do not curse very often. In true party girl style, Lola brought out my bad side.)

The conclusion of the story is that Lola is now named Bitch.  She seems to comply much better when called derogatory terms, proving yet again she is a drunken fraternity party girl.  Way to go Lola Bitch.



  1. Pingback: UPDATE: Lola Returns « Stuff I Can't Put On Facebook's Blog

  2. Pingback: PIC Night « Stuff I Can't Put On Facebook's Blog

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