I sit beside a large, floor to ceiling window at my office. Outside, I see all assortments of things from drunk men peeing (I’m close to a bus station) to bear. Usually, the goings on outside serve as welcome distraction, good conversation starters or simply go unnoticed. That is…until last week. For the last week I have been terrorized by gangster squirrels.
No dear readers, these are not the cute squirrels pictured in animated movies that you want to pet and take home. I’m relatively sure these squirrels are taking performance enhancing drugs. Seriously. These squirrels are aggressive, large, fast and super strong.
It all started when I saw one abnormally large squirrel take a flying leap straight on top of another squirrel. They fought, but the attacker successfully stole an awesomely large acorn and then ran away, acorn in tow. Five minutes later, the squirrel was back beating up two other squirrels who did not have acorns. Don’t tisk tisk me. Yes. It WAS the same squirrel. There is a distinct mark on its back.
Since that day, the squirrels have grown more aggressive and scary. What started as one aggressive squirrel has quickly overrun the entire population of them. I’m pretty sure they have each chosen a gang:
Crips and the Bloods Acorns and the Seeds. Every time one of them runs by my window, I scream a little and jump….which causes my knee to fly up and hit the bottom of the desk…which has now caused a large lump to form. I am not ok with this. So, I have a message for all you squirrels.
Dear Office Gangster Squirrels,
I’m on to you. Although you were cute until a few weeks ago, I know things have changed. I don’t know if its something in the water or the acorns, but it has gotten out of hand.
I do not want to see you conduct acorn wars outside my window any longer. You are not cute. You are not entertaining. I currently think of you as rats with tails. I apologize if you feel you are indeed adorable, but here is a life lesson: cartoons have mislead you (and me too, but that’s another story).
If you continue to hold acorn wars and subsequently cause me to bang my knee, I will punt you. Yes. I said punt. I’ll punt you, and your acorns, and your little gangster friends square into the adjacent lot with the homeless man that smells like potted meat. I’m pretty sure you will look like steak to him.
This is a warning to both gangs. I don’t want to see your furry little tails around here again.