Oh hell honey…

Happy Friday!  I was going through my draft file and see that I have inadvertently forgotten to post this lovely gem of a story.  Enjoy dear readers.

 

Attack of the insomnia beast again.  This time I decided to do something productive. I got up at 0 dark 30, went to the gym and had a cardio experience so intense I am pretty sure I saw the light.

Have you ever been to the gym at 0 dark 30? It’s bizarre!  There are two types of people there that early:

  1. The little old people.  They enjoy swimming, have no qualms about being full-out naked in the dressing room and always wear a swim cap.
  2. The insomniacs.  The minority that early, they are usually women who look like they could use a stiff drink, a hot shower and a warm bed.  Note: I realize I am in this category since I was THERE…  and am not even close to my wrinkly stage.

After my workout, I shielded my eyes from the sea of naked (save for the swim cap) ladies and made my way quickly to the shower.

CRAP! I realized that I was out of my conditioner, and to get back to said conditioner, I had to go back through the naked sea.  Not a big deal, just go without right?

Wrong.

What you, dear reader, do not know  is when my hair is given the opportunity, it is all sorts of wild kingdom.  Conditioner separates me from “oh hot damn” and “oh no! damn!” Without it, I look like I a very sad knockoff of Amy Winehouse (rest her soul). With it, I have the locks of a movie star.  Sad, but true!

I was running late, so I just dealt with it.  I got out of the shower, fixed myself best I could….and then this happened.  I wish I was taking creative liberty here, but alas, I am not.

Lady: Oh…hell honey (in a very genteel southern accent)

Me: turn to look and see what she is referring to, realize it is me, and then turn beet red.

Lady: beckons me to come sit on the bench in front of her

Me: oblige because hell, what do I have to lose?

Lady: You will never catch a man like that honey! I used to be a hairdresser.  Let me fix you.  Do you have any safety pins?

Me: SAFETY PINS?

Lady: Clothespins

Me: WHAT?

Lady: BOBBYpins.  Sorry sweetie my mind is racing looking at this hairdo of yours.

Me: Is it really that bad?

Lady: Oh hell honey. Yes sweet girl, it really is.

Me: I have spin pins. Will that work?

Lady: Anything would be better than this.

Me: provide lady with the spin pins

Lady: works her magic and creates me some Victorian bun, complete with ringlets on the side of my face. (Those were all me, my hair does that near my face.)

Voila! Oh honey! Go to a coffee shop and find a man!

Me: I look in the mirror and see what she has done. I realize that this is coming down, but I at least have to migrate out of the gym this way.  Thankfully, hot boys don’t work out this early.

Oh thank you! This is fantastic! And, if you don’t mind me asking, why do you think I don’t already have a man?

Lady: Oh honey. If you did, you wouldn’t be here this early. Fancy young things like you don’t ever get up this early if there’s a man in their bed.

Me: Oh. (because what else do you say here???)

Lady: So you go get you a man honey and I hope you don’t ever have to see me again.

Me: Um. I really appreciate your help. I promise to go get that coffee.

Lady: smiles wide

***************

Update: I saw her again this morning. She was not impressed and looked a little disheartened. I can no longer go to the gym that early because I don’t want to break her heart.

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7 Comments

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