Last post I alluded to why I am no longer a participant in parades. Today, I shall share why. As I began writing this, I realized that the story involved you knowing the boss. So, I am inspired to share…as I always have wanted to and never was able to until the freedom of an anonymous blog. Next up, I swear, will be the parade drama.
Meet My Wildly Inappropriate Boss
I worked for a family entertainment center as the head of marketing for years. This, to my bosses, meant I was responsible for anything and everything they did not want to do….my job duties included but were not limited to hanging out with a big dog, dressing as an elf, attending really bad birthday parties, working every single holiday, smelling like pizza for several years, pulling small children out of precarious situations…. and taking advice from a trifecta of men, all of whom were eventually fired.
Fantabulous ideas were usually the brainchild of my wildly inappropriate boss. A few things to note: 1) my boss, Bernie, thought he was smarter than every single person on the planet, and took credit for every invention and good idea on said planet, 2) I’m using poor grammar for authenticity, because that’s how he actually spoke and 3) I realized early on that professionalism did not exist in this workplace… and I had to dish it out hard if I didn’t want to be steamrolled.
Yes. I worked for the equivalent of a caveman here….but less classy and more furry. Incidentally? I met PIC here…..most redeeming thing about that job.
Coffee mugs are exciting.
Bernie: Why aren’t we selling these coffee mugs?!
Me: How many of those did you buy?
Me: choked on my coffee – WHY!?
Bernie: Because they are sport themed. And, if I was a mom, I would totally use em for my kids!! You need to get it together and sell, sell, sell!
Me:Yes sir. However, please don’t buy any more coffee mugs….
Bernie: Why not!? I LIKE em. We should let folks use em all over the diner for morning juice.
Me: Because that’s exactly what mom’s love letting their kids drink juice from every morning…. no lid, breakable cups that are too big for small hands to manage.
Bernie: You aren’t a Mom. How in hell do you know?
Me: blink blink blink. Well that was wildly inappropriate. And incidentally Bernie, you are not a mom either.
I’m A Biscuit God
Bernie: You need to sell more food, not just attractions.
Bernie: You know I worked with ***** food chain for ten years as the front end manager right?
Bernie: I held the record for most raisin biscuits sold in my district during the late 80s and early 90s. You know why? I’m a Biscuit GOD. chuckles because he thinks he is funny No….I marketed them. I gave away free coffee with every biscuit sold. People come back every week, buy them a biscuit, and I give em a free coffee. Every time. For every biscuit. You could take a page out of the ol’ Bernie playbook. Free = people come back. You just stick with me kid and I’ll teach you the ways of marketing that actually get ROI.
Me: Bernie, with all due respect, I understand you have food industry experience, but I don’t think it’s applicable in this scenario.
Bernie: You just get huffy cause you gots you a fancy degree and still can’t market like the master Bernie can!
Me: Bernie – you are right. I DO have a degree. I graduated top of the class. And, I also have years of experience working in six states for a large corporate company.
Bernie: Yep. But where’ve you been the last five years missy? I gots stats!
Me: Me? I won four major marketing awards, handled events that were $5000 a head and branded our company from the ground up. So, not only do I have a “fancy degree” as you call it, I know my way around the marketing block…and incidentally, I too have figures to show that. Last I checked, sales were up 15% from last month.
Bernie: laughing. Uh-oh…someone’s got their monthly visitor! You and your fancy pants words and fancy pants degrees. You just can’t handle it because you paid good money to learn stuff that comes naturally to me. My numbers don’t lie. Best biscuit sales… in my district!
Me: Bernie, first, that was wildly inappropriate. Second. Allow me to share a story with you.
Bernie: still laughing. Oh yeah, this should be good.
Me: I lived in your district while you were peddling biscuits. And you are right – I totally came in there – rather, I drug my mom in there because I couldn’t drive yet.
Bernie: interrupting me as always. See! YOU even fell prey to Bernie-Marketing!
Me: Full stop. No. I didn’t. What I did fall prey to? Toys. You remember the California Raisin figures that came out in the late 80s, early 90s? Well, to get the toy, I had to make mom buy a biscuit. What’s more? I hated raisins. I would spend an hour picking them out of my biscuit. Why? Because I wanted the toy and mom would make me eat the biscuit if she bought the toy. Although I fully acknowledge your gift of coffee as a way to make parents come in for more biscuits, I would wager that they were also buying California Raisin toys….and that, sir, was why people kept coming back in. Not for the free coffee.
Bernie: No. It was the coffee. I didn’t care about toy sales. I never even checked them.
Me: blink blink blink.
Bernie: I’m a Biscuit GOD.
Me: ok. (because honestly….you can’t argue stupid.)
Next up: Parade Debacle