I’ve never been happier that I have full bladder control. I’m pretty sure what just happened would have left less stellar bladders void, thus causing major embarrassment in the office setting.
I think my heart may have stopped for a microsecond. And I’m certain one of my nine lives is gone…actually, I think that drops me to 6…but those are stories for another day.
Here’s what happened.
Today, I had my floor to ceiling window blinds shut tight. It got dark, so I decided I needed to let in some light. I walk around my desk to open the blinds and here is what happened:
Me: Fu…www…aaaantastic. Oh my God!
I freeze in abject terror, my hands drawn up to my face a la all those goofy movie trailers you see where people have the absolute shit scared out of them. Yeah. That actually happened so I can no longer say “oh COME on” when I see these trailers heretofore.
I see before me what I’m pretty sure was a zombie homeless woman. She was just standing there, vacantly staring into the window, her face barely grazing the glass, yet no breath marks are on the window pane. She has deep circles under her brown eyes, her hair is long, dark and scraggly. If Medusa was a hippy and had dreads, this is what it would look like.
She wore a t-shirt, torn at the neck from wear. It said “EAT ME” on it. A lovely sentiment.
I unfreeze for a moment and forget that there is a desk behind me. I start to back up a little, and at the moment my ass hits the edge of the desk, the Eat Me woman bangs her fist on the window and grunts.
Me: HOLY S…h…
Thankfully, the rest of that statement was completely overshadowed by the fact I had somersaulted backwards over my desk, landed in the floor, knocked over my plant and pen cup, and had somehow wrapped myself in the phone, pulling it out of the wall.
I think I blacked out for a second. I got my wits about me and looked up just in time to see the zombie Eat Me woman run like something out of 28 Days, arms and legs all flailing…she scaled our fence and ran across the heavily trafficked road to the bus station.
All I could do is put my head back down. Oh the comfort of the floor. Thank God I opted for pants today. I began to feel my heart resume beating. I sat up and looked across the office to see who witnessed my demise.
Coworker 1: That was some funny shit.
Coworker 2: I seriously thought you were out cold.
Me: I hate you both. Seriously.
Coworker 1: Totally worth it. That’s priceless. Princess down! But, you kept the Pradas on. Good job.
Me: She was freakin’ undead over here – grunting and banging the glass!! It was terrifying!
Coworker 2: You almost cursed. I can die happy.
Me: Seriously. That’s what you get from me almost dying??? How about “are you ok?” You both suck.
Here’s hoping your Friday wasn’t cracked out and creepy like mine.