PIC and I had an outing last night where I embarrassed the hell out of myself, had a mental run in with a celebrity and PIC almost had an out of body experience. Enjoy.
Yesterday I saved all my calories for dinner. That means I ate a banana and two saltine crackers all day. I know that’s bad. Please don’t lecture me…I am only telling you because it is imperative for the rest of the story.
Per usual, when I arrive at PICs house, we have a beverage. This time we decided in lieu of our wine, we’d try rum. It was delightful, and more rum than coke. Nevertheless, I was certainly more tipsy than I should have been off one beverage. I needed food. At this point we go in search of sushi.
At the sushi restaurant, I order one of pretty much everything I love. And I
ate shoveled the food in my face.
PIC: Um sweetie, you should probably breathe between bites.
Me: You are right. I’m eating like a starving child from China.
It was one of those moments where you HEAR the words coming out of your face, but you can’t pull them back in. If the soundtrack of my life was playing, this would have been a point where you hear that needle dragging across the record sound…vrrrrp….then complete silence.
I was wide eyed even before I completed my horribly offensive statement…especially since I’m usually a very genteel, southern sweetheart. (Note: this is a favorite place of mine and PIC. All of the employees? They are all related and all from China.)
I turn about ten shades of red. PIC looks at me wide-eyed. I am mortified and I realize the sushi chef is RIGHT UP on me. What do you do? There is no coming back from that! You do not want to piss off a sushi chef. They wield sharp knives with amazing precision. Plus, have you been even semi-ill off sushi? It’s the worst….we’ll get back to that.
Me: Um. I. Ah shoot! I didn’t mean that!!! Um. I meant Africa!
PIC looked at me like that was no better (she raised her eyebrow at me…just the one…her eyebrows say more than most people- uber talent) because there was an African American couple sitting nearby.
Me: Um. SHIT. I. I BLAME THE RUM!!!
PIC laughs at me and continues to eat. I shovel in silence.
After my mortification, I decided to go to the bathroom. There, I run into a celebrity that has relocated to my town. She’s randomly relevant so I won’t use her name. Mostly because one of you may love her and I don’t wish to offend. The problem is that I can’t stand her.
I’ve known her for years, running the same circles, hanging out… I even know her kids. The problem? The bitch pretends she doesn’t know me EVERY time. Seriously y’all. It’s not like I met her once and think she should remember. I’ve met her more times than I can count. I’ve been to her house. I’ve been drunk with her…seriously. I wish I had been less ethical because TMZ would have loved that stuff…. I’ve shared a car with her ALONE. I’ve addressed envelopes to a charity benefit with her and one other person for eight hours straight. Her kids? They know me. They say hi. But the mom? No. Can’t. Stand. Her.
So Miss High and Mighty is at the sushi place with her kids. I smile, wave. The kids wave. The mom? She sees me, starts to smile, then looks away like I just completely wasted her time. Flew all over me. I scowled and envisioned the news:
Crazy lady attacks celebrity after offending sushi chef. News at 11.
I decide to compose myself and I huff and puff back to PIC, where I flop down and rehash the story.
PIC: She’s just jealous cause you are younger.
Me: I love you.
See. With one phrase, PIC defuses my mental time bomb.
Then PIC had to go to the bathroom. She comes back and tells the following. Note: PIC is in the early stages of kicking off some bug/virus.
PIC: OMG. Someone has E.D.
Me: OMG! Is it you? We ride! I grab the purse and start to rise.
PIC: pulls me down NO!!! It’s a kid. I walked into the bathroom and he was very much in the midst of E.D.
PIC: He was explicitly explaining it to his mom. He said it looks like…
Me: Oh gross no!
PIC goes on to share what he said, but I will spare you. I was violently ill and all I kept thinking was, “What did that kid do to piss off the chef? Whatever he did, I did way worse.”
PIC: I think I left my body for a moment. I couldn’t leave fast enough. Thank God I can’t smell a thing….but my ears work just fine.
Me: give her that ew, gross, I might die look.
The checks come, we eat our mints. Then, the sushi chef gives us each an orange thing with a toothpick. After insulting him, I can’t refuse. So I bite big.
You know how bad it is to drink OJ after you brush your teeth? Well, this was worse. Immediately my eyes fill with tears, my cheeks turn inside out and I feel a little nauseous. I quickly look at PIC who is doing the same.
PIC: Oh. Dear. God. she says under her breath
Me: Just shovel it in. We have to.
PIC: looks wary Well, ok then.
We cringe and eat and cry a little, but we get it all down. Later, when my stomach was doing flip flops, I would have bet my life that the sushi chef did something to that orange. I don’t blame him. But I do worry about PIC since she was an innocent bystander. I have to call her and see if she how she is.
Moral: Don’t drink rum on an empty stomach. It leads to chaos.