The Things you Learn at Lunch

Today, I had lunch with my sister, which in and of itself is blogworthy since we don’t hang out that much.  However, it was made even MORE blogable because of what I learned from our past.

Note: My sister has the mouth of a sailor.  I’ve taken out the f-bombs, but I kept the rest to be true life to her.

Sister: Dude. Your car smells like strippers.  Holds her throat and makes fake vomit sounds

Me: I’m aware.  Roll your window down, we aren’t going far.

Sister: Seriously, did you drop a vat of vanilla musk in this car? Or are you pretending to be 15 again?

Me: **glare**

Sister: I’m sure the men love it.  I’m not judging.  You lift vaginas, so this is expected.  Just make sure you mark your men with sparkles.  They love that.

Me: For the love of God – it was creamer.  It spilled.  And, I’ve had no man in this car since it happened, which is for the best because you are right…it’s putrid in here.

Sister: You have shit taste in men sis, so I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.

Me: Bite me.

Sister: Seriously!  You are the only person I know who looks like you, with your brain, and dates complete assholes.  They are all pretty, but all massive effing assholes.

Me: Thanks… I think?

Sister: giggles to herself  Remember when I cut Nick?

Me: What? No. Model Nick?  Or Nik who liked to pronounce it like Mike with an N?

Sister: Model Nick.

Me: You did not!

Sister: Did to! Don’t you remember the scar on his left cheek – under his eye?

Me: That was you? But he said…

Sister: He didn’t tell you?

Me: Oh do tell…..

Sister: Well, he came in after the first time he cheated on you.  He came straight to our house after his plane landed.  He brought you two dozen roses, candy and a mix tape. Remember that?

Me: Yeah. Good Lord that boy loved apology flowers….our house looked like a funeral home toward the end of that relationship.

Sister: See.  Shit taste in men Sis.  Anyway, you were in your room crying.  I answered the door because mom and dad weren’t home.  He came in, you screamed you didn’t want to see him and locked yourself away.  He was trying to put the flowers in water and needed something to cut the flowers down.  I pulled out scissors.  Then I looked him square in the eyes and asked him if he cheated on you.

Me: And?

Sister: The jackass was brazen enough to say he did, but it was between you two, not me.  It made me really mad.

Me: And you flew at him with scissors??

Sister: No dumbass, I was more suave than that.  I made him lean down to help me find the vase first….and then I stabbed at him.  Got him right under the eye.

Me: **eyes bugged out of head, speechless**

Sister: He said, “You cut me? My perfect face is ruined! YOU DO KNOW I make a living with this face right???” And then I said, “Jackass! You cheated on my sister.  She won’t stab you, but I sure as hell will.  I am sure she wants to.”

Me: I kinda did want to….

Sister: Right? And then he said, “I’m going to report you!”  And I said, “Shitface, I’m 12!  To who? And, what are they really gonna do about it?”  That’s when he backed up and ran to your room.  He almost broke your door down.

Me: I thought he was trying to get in…but he was really trying to get away from you??

Sister: Damn right.

Me: I’ve never been more simultaneously proud and terrified.

Sister: Why did you think I kept saying, “I’ll cut you boy.” When he came close to me?

Me: Wow.  That makes so much more sense now.

Sister: What did he tell you happened to his face?

Me: He said he hurt it on the door trying to get in – that he put his career in jeopardy to get to me because I meant that much to him.

Sister: GOD and you fell for it?!?! I should have taken the bastard’s eye.

Me: Wow…. again, terrified, but I loved you.

Sister: I was 12.  Imagine what I can do now at 30.

Me: Oh dear God I’m going to be single forever.

Sister: Asshole free, not single.  Be an optimist.

Me: Wow.  So… did you do anything to Paul I’m unaware of? Or any of the others?

Sister: Probably.  But that’s for another day Sis…another day.

***
I’m intrigued and scared. I’m not sure I want to know what else she’s done. It’s good to know she’s got my back though.  I suppose I should warn B and any other man that decides he might want to chat with me that my sister is hormonal (she’s pregnant) and has a stabbing proclivity.  God.  I really will be single for life.

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