Adventures with Jail, Twizzlers and New Shoes

Hello Blogland!

I have been MIA for a million reasons – most of which involve me working insane hours on very little or no sleep.  Here are my recent adventures.

My poor, crackhaired co-worker.

Y’all know I don’t sleep.  Well, I finally did.  I went down hard.  In the midst of the sound sleep, I got a series of calls.  I slept through FOUR phone calls and THREE texts.  That’s a deep sleep.

At 4am, I finally roused enough to answer.  It was said co-worker, requesting I come bail her out of jail.  I won’t go in to why to preserve her semi-intact dignity.  But I did go. And, in my true to life style, it was bedlam.  First, I got lost.  They are doing construction and I got turned around.  I walked three blocks into the back alley and realized I was probably going to die.  I finally spy a patrol car and hustle toward him.

Me: Hi! Officer, I need your help.

Officer: Alright.

Me: I need to go bail someone out of jail.  Where do I do that? I’m lost.

Officer: Are you drunk?

Me: (look down at my lovely ensemble of yoga pants, a sorority t-shirt and flip flops…plus some semblance of scruffy side bun) REALLY?  It’s 4:30am, I was woken from the first sound sleep I’d had in weeks to bail a coworker from jail.  You are lucky I have on pants!

Officer: (sizes me up and down) Fair enough.

FYI, I did get her out of jail.  I only did so because she’s the only one that helps out at my god-forsaken office.  Were she not there, my workload would have been heavier.  That makes me a bitch.  I’m aware.  However, I bailed her out and she didn’t have to stay in jail.  Win-win.

Yep.  I’m That Tired.

I didn’t eat breakfast….or lunch.  And honestly, I don’t think I had dinner the night before.  That, two hours sleep and stress? Not cool.  My recently bailed out co-worker from above had Twizzlers.  They were stale and hard, but I needed food.  She gave me some and I sat the bunch in arm’s reach.

Sporadically, I would reach over and get one.  Eat.  Smile.  Until the last time.   I reached over and grabbed what I thought to be an ultra stale Twizzler.

Me: SWEET BABY MOSES!!!!

Also at my desk? A bunch of red acrylic straws that weren’t what I ordered.  I had taken a few out of their plastic wrap to inspect them before calling to pitch a hissy fit on the vendor.  Twas not a Twizzler I crunched.  Alas, I crunched the hell out of an acrylic straw.

Jailbird Coworker: The hell did you just do?

Me: Ouch. Nothing….(hiding the straw from view)

Jailbird: Did you… omg…you just ate a straw!?!

Me: NO… I TRIED to eat the straw.  It’s not nearly as tasty as you’d think.

Jailbird: Um. Ok…?

New Shoes

Ok. I’ll keep this as PC and anonymous as possible.  But after a long, hellish day at work…stories like this are what keep you going.  WARNING: Probably not a PG posting from this point, but I’ll try.

Last weekend, I celebrated St. Patty’s day like a good Irish girl should.  There shall be a blog about that later, it’s still in draft.  One of the highlights of the evening? Learning that the only way to break in new shoes is when you are less than sober.  Wine + Irish Car Bombs = Pain Free Shoes.

Fast forward a week or so later.  An extremely well endowed man boldly sent a text of his parts to his lady friend.  On girl’s night, after some wine, the girl decided to share with her friends.

Person 1: Look what *** sent me.

Person 2: Is that Photoshopped? How drunk were you the first time?

Person 1: No it’s all real.  I don’t know.  I didn’t think I was.  But apparently I was…I thought it was small that night.

Person 2: You for real managed all that?

Person 1: Well, I *censored story with graphic details*

Person 2: Ah…  You remember what I said about new shoes?

Person 1: That you’ll only break them in when you aren’t fully sober?

Person 2: Yes.  And it looks like that applies to other aspects. You, dear, just broke in a fabulous new pair of shoes.

Person 1: It’s like a new pair of stilettos…..

Person 2: Sweetie.  That’s not a stiletto.  That’s a combat boot.

I haven’t laughed that hard in ages.  Maybe it was the wine.  Maybe it was because Person 2 was SO right it was wrong.  Whatever the reason, I am still giggling about it today.

************

My lovelies, have a great weekend, don’t get put in jail and be careful if you break in any new shoes.

Cheers!

Me

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9 Comments

    • THE HELL!?!?! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!! I totally flipped over in my chair. I screamed, flipped over in my chair and had to blame it on a non existent spider. That clown scares the be-jesus out of me!!! But you knew that. I’m lucky I didn’t punch the screen. 🙂 I promise to answer these questions for you….you can check them out my next post!

      And I’m glad I brought you laughs today. Take care and happy Friday dear!

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