Things NOT to Say and Do During Labor

Oh my blogland how I have missed you!!!!  I’m an Auntie.  A lot more actually has gone down since, but allow me to start by recounting the tale of how my blessed nephew arrived into the world.

My sister has a husband that kind of reminds me of Shrek.  Really.  Heretofore, I shall dub him Shrek in the blog. Shrek has always been the epitome of what I thought a husband should be.  He is kind, cares about my sister, is so loving – even when she makes it hard.  So as the following transpired, I was…. shall we say….shocked.

Lesson 1: Never refer to a heifer in any way as your wife is in labor.

Sister:  In day two of what turned into four day labor.  AHHHHHH. This SUCKS!!!!

Shrek: Baby.  I want a cow.

Sister and I: heads turn in unison, in slow motion

Sister: Oh hell no you didn’t just say that….

Shrek: Yeah. One of those baby jersey cows.  A mini.  That way we can milk it and make all our cheese and stuff, but it wont’ take up much room.

Sister: You did NOT just refer to a cow, and me in the same sentence…when I’m here, in LABOR with YOUR CHILD???  Did you lose your mind??

Shrek: Baby I think it’ll be great!  We can teach our son to milk him.  What a great life learning opportunity this will be!

Sister: SHUT YOUR $#@&ing mouth.  NOW.

Shrek: shrugs.

Lesson 2: Don’t go MIA for hours on end

Shrek left me with my sister for hours.  Daily.  Why? He wanted food that wasn’t found in the cafeteria.  This meant I was there when she needed the trashcan.  I was there to bathe her back.  I was there to get her to the bathroom, fetch her ice chips, talk to the doctors about her (it turned out fine) very delicate health condition.  Shrek?  MIA.  He’d always come back and say “I feel so much better!”  This, after I had been up for almost 48 hours living off the smell of vomit and a few ice chips that I confiscated from my sister’s cup. (I had no idea labor was so glamorous.)

Me: We had a really big problem.  I called you 15 times!!!

Shrek: You did? Oh.  Well she’s ok right?

Me: Yeah… but you should have been here.

Shrek: I had to eat.

Me: That clearly ranks above your wife and future son….

Shrek: It’s not like I left her alone.  She had you.  You’ll totally take care of her.

Me: That’s not the point.

Shrek: Yeah, it kind of is.  If you or your mom are here to do it, why do I need to be here?

Me: pulling it together so I didn’t beat him to death…. Your wife. She needs you.  It’s your turn to hold her head.  I’m out.

**I went to see PIC.  She helped.  We had wine.

Lesson 3: Shrek is a wannabe Amish

Shrek: So after our son is born, and we get the cow, I want to start growing all our own food.  We already make our own laundry soap.  It’s super economical that way. I also want to build some turbines to wind power the house…oh. And your mom will totally homeschool our kid.

Sister: writhing in agony….

Me: Can you help me get a cold towel for your wife?

Shrek: totally ignores me So yeah. Think of all the money we can save.  Then, your sister and I only have to work like two days a week.

Me: trying to hold it together

Shrek: I want to build in some solar panels to the house too.

Me: CAN YOU PLEASE get me a cold towel.

Shrek: I know your mom is retired, and she has her hands full with your dad and his issues….but she’ll be a great homeschool teacher. He’ll only have to go to her the days we work. The rest of the time he can help out and get life lessons around the home.  You know – stuff that actually matters….. how to make cheese, how to grow corn, how to take care of a cow.

Sister: tenses up and starts to cry a little

Me: in my protective voice If you say cow ONE more time…..

Shrek: Oh. Sorry baby.

Sister: GET ME A COLD TOWEL.

Shrek: All you gotta do is ask…

Me: I want a lynch mob.

**I really am convinced that he wants to be Amish.  Nothing against what he said, but his timing sucks.  I fear that all he wants for his kid is a little farm hand.  I think I may have to kidnap my nephew.

My nephew was born a little over 3 lbs (he was early) on Saturday via c-section. Mom is home now with her Shrek.  Baby is still in NICU. Thanks for all the warm wishes and prayers guys! Love to you all!!!

Me

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8 Comments

  1. Thick-headed much? You will definitely have to rescue your poor little nephew from the “farm”. So little! Keep us posted on when he gets to come home. Is he the first of the grand-babies for your folks?
    Hope you get to have a PIC-filled and restful weekend, lady! It’s a GNO for me too and I’ll be thinking of you gals!

    • Right?!!?! No nephew of mine will be on the “farm” unless it’s the farm they refer to at the CIA for training. That would be cool: Aunt to a CIA agent? Awesome. 🙂 Little tyke is SO small. He’s less than a box of Kleenex. Can you believe that? He is the first, may be the only grandkid at the rate I’m going. My sis will never have another, physically she can’t/shouldn’t.

      PIC was with her sweet hubby this weekend, but soon…yes soon….HGN will ensue! Hope you are doing well – when does your brother get there?

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