I Wish I Remebered She is Batsh*t Crazy

It’s not secret.  I’ve been hella stressed as of late.  Apparently, my boss has noticed.  Oh dear God.

Boss: I have a surprise for you after lunch. Take your lunch early and be in my office by 1pm.

Me: Um…..ok?

Boss: It will help you relax.

Me: Oh? Thank you!

I’m thinking massage if I’m lucky, maybe a little aroma therapy and chill music….I wish I had remembered that my boss is batshit crazy.

After lunch, I walk into my boss’ office.  It reminded me of the back bathroom in highschool:  a wall of foul smelling smoke enveloped me (in this case it was incense though, not Camel Lights.) How do you make incense so smokey?!  I cough and swipe at the air.  I hear “Welcome child.”  I hear Gregorian chanting music.  A little weird, yes….but this is supposed to relax me….so ok.  Open heart, open mind….right?

Inside there is an older lady dressed in a robe.  She asks me to sit.  Now, I’m not relaxed. I’m half panicked.  This is NOT cool.  I jokingly say um….ok but I’m keeping my clothes on.  To this she says: “As you wish.”

THE HELL!?!  If it’s not the hot mister so-and-so I’ve been eying, I’m not stripping in my office.  And clearly, a hot man to ease my stress would have been WAY preferred to the robe lady, chanting and intense smokey incense.

My palms are starting to sweat a little.  I feel my throat start to close.  Robe lady comes closer:  Hello child.  My name is Krystel.  I will be your guide today.

Me: hi….

I will attempt to highlight reel the madness.  I blocked a lot of it out, but these are the things I recall:

  • Hands acting like strobe lights in my face, I thought I would die. I had to shut my eyes.
  • She never touched me, except on the top of my head, but her hands came awfully close.
  • Chanting – not on CD, Krystel gave those Gregorians a run for their money.
  • Wafting hands in front of my …. unmentionables. (For reals y’all.  I said NO. She gave me a mean look and kept wafting, just further back.  I responded by crossing my legs.  No means no.)
  • Squatting.  Krystel squatted a lot.  Guess that’s why she had a robe on.  Maybe she was encouraging me to get buff quads with her.  Aside from that, I can’t understand all the squats.  My trainer would have been proud of her though.

This continued on for an HOUR.  At the end, she wafted at my head and feet.  Then bowed to me.  I left my boss’ office feeling violated, asthmatic and smelly.

Boss: How do you feel?

Me: Confused.

Boss: That’s great! Good!

Me: Pardon?

Boss: Krystel cleans out your spiritual paths and allows emotions to flow freely.  Confused is a good feeling.

Me: Ok.

Boss: Go sit upstairs for a bit and let it all wash over you, then come back and work.

Me: Ok.

Upstairs I began to think that I do not want my emotions to flow freely.  Quite honestly I like them where they are – tied up in a neat box, buried under my daily dose of coffee and egg whites. Lucky for me, this voodoo crazy Krystel didn’t do whatever she was supposed to do….or perhaps I wasn’t receptive enough.  Either way, my emotions stayed in tact, and I had to work overtime to compensate for the supposed stress relief moments I was granted.
I’ll stick with PIC, wine and/or hot men next time thankyouverymuch….



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