For reals. It’s spring and the wild kingdom is making its presence known at my office.
Remember how I said Gangster Squirrels were taking over? Well, clearly this wasn’t bad enough. Clearly I wasn’t scared enough. What did they do? Sent in the ….oh I’m not spoiling it. Read on dear blog land. Read on. I fear this could be my last post if the Gangster Squirrels get their way.
I am sitting in the sun, minding my own business. Sun on my face, beautiful blue sky, wind in my hair…..it’s the making of a perfect lunch.
Me: Oh! My!I jump up and flee my sunny spot. See, I’m very allergic to bees….
Bzzzzz Said bee now has a friend….and they are chasing me
Me: Ok self. Stay calm. They can smell fear.
Me: Holy hell they are multiplying! Said bee and bee friend now have three more bee friends.
Think girl! What do you do in a bee attack!? Um….. I racked my brain for details…..came up blank. At this point the bees are dive bombing me and all I can think of is GET YOUR ASS INSIDE.
I start doing what you ARE NOT supposed to do, which is swat madly. I am backing up, swatting and then I feel it. Oh yes. I stepped on something. Something that wasn’t mulch. Something that squished a little. I freeze because whatever I stepped on, I have royally pissed off because it is now making a freaking hissing sound!
Me: SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!! Why I decided to scream sugar rather than sh*&? I have no idea. Maybe because I feared it would be my last words, and I couldn’t go to Heaven cursing.
I then decide that I’m about to be bitten and left for dead outside my office. All I can think of is: Oh GOD! Don’t let that Eat Me woman appear! The snake is hissing madly and I realize that I am still ON the snake. Oh. And the bees are still dive bombing me.
I stumble and fall. Damn you hot new shoes! You are too tall for your own good!
Me: Goodbye cruel world…. Dramatic, but fitting. At least I don’t have to deal with *insert the work event that’s driving me bonkers*……
I see something move out of the corner of my eye. What is it? I blink in the bright sun….
It’s a squirrel. …a damn gangster squirrel. Sitting there. Eyeing me. Laughing at me. On his fat, fuzzy butt. He threw his nut at me and ran off, scoffing at me like “Take that, Bitch.”
Snake starts circling me. The bees have done what they were sent to do, so they have left. It’s just me and snake. Did I mention I’m deadly terrified of snakes? I’m scrambling to get up, but all I can see is that snake and its stupid tongue flicking at me menacingly.
Coworker: Are you ok? Bends over to help me out of the mulch.
Me: mmm? I take my coworkers hand and pull myself up.
Coworker: Oh there’s a snake! I’ve never seen a snake here in all the years I’ve been here! Bends down to inspect said snake. Snake slowly slithers away.
Me: silently mull over the fact that the Gangster Squirrels hired hit bees and a snake assassin to get me.
Coworker: Oh my God! Were you bitten? You haven’t said a word. You are never this quiet. Are you ok?
Me: I manage to stammer Yeah. I’m good. Thanks for helping me up.
Coworker: Ok then. Need anything from the grocery?
Me: No…. I’m good. Thanks.
I stumble back inside, thrilled to be in the safety of my office, clear on the other side of where the hit bees and snake assassin were. I get back to work, happy to be alive. Laughing because, though a valiant effort, I WAS NOT taken down by wild kingdom.
Me: Dear GOD.
Me: A spider just crawled across my screen. Don’t we have a bug guy? Why is my desk always riddled with spiders??
Coworker2 comes over to inspect and kill said spider for me.
Coworker2: SNAKE!!!! Come look! It’s right outside your window. Hear it?
Me: frozen in terror Where?
Coworker2: leans over my desk and points
Me: You’ve GOT to be kidding me!!!!!
Coworker2: What? I mean this is crazy! I’ve never seen a snake here before! And this one is pissed! It’s making noise like crazy!
Me: They are out to get me.
Coworker2: Um….ok Miss Snow White. Why are the snakes out to get you….
Me: scowl at coworker I was almost attacked by a snake at lunch today. And BEES.
Coworker2: Mmhm…. Sure.
Me: For real!
Coworker2: And I suppose one of your fat ass squirrels attacked you with a shiv after.
Me: He tired! snubby face
Coworker2: Have you been drinking?
Me: No, you know I’d share. Hand me my phone…. I’m going to take a picture of my snake friend.
I approach window, snap picture. Snake rares up strikes at window.
Coworker2: OH HOLY HELL!
Coworker2: The hell did you do to piss of Mother Nature? If I see a shiv’ed squirrel, I’ll crack up.
Me: This is funny to you? I may be under siege by Mother Nature herself. How do you think I feel?
Coworker2: Can I write your epitaph? Here lies Snow White. Shived by Squirrels.
Me: I hate you.
Coworker2: Buy you a drink after work?
Me: Only if you carry me to the car. I fear there are snakes.
Coworker2: They won’t be there, they’ll be IN your car. laughs menacingly
Me: Did I already say I hate you?
Coworker: Effing snakes man…. it’s still squatted by the window
Me: Maybe he’s just camera shy.
Coworker: Why is it a he and not a she?
Me: Ok fine. Let’s have that drink….
Coworker2: t-minus one hour.
Me: Thank God.