Ducks & Tanning

Taylor  and I spent some time together the other day and, since she hasn’t been on the blog in a while, I thought I’d share two of the blogable stories.

Ducks

I’m allergic to feathers.  Taylor and I were discussing whether the pillows on the hotel beds were indeed feather or not.  Note: This is after a few cocktails.

Me: They feel ok.

Taylor: Lay on one and let’s see if you die.

Me: TAYLOR!

Taylor: What? I’m right here – I have your epi pen….you won’t DIE, but if you start to, I’ll be here to stab at you.

Me: Did you really just say you’d stab AT me.  STAB.  AT.  ME.

Taylor: Oh now I feel bad.  I really don’t want you to die. I’d miss you.  I was just sayin’ that I could fix you.  And then we’d know for sure if these were feather or not.  I don’t like feathers either.

Me: Uh-huh.

Taylor: Oh look! This one has a duck on it!

Me: Yeah….raising my eyebrows at her

Taylor: That must mean feathers!

Me: ….Or it’s their logo…. (hotel’s logo was indeed a duck)

Taylor: This is why I don’t drink.  It makes me stupid.

Me: And a little evil….I think you just want to stab me with an epi pen.

Taylor: giggles and hiccups

**********

Tanning

Taylor used to work at a tanning salon when she was in college.  Always the polly-pocket of sass, here is the story.

Taylor: Omigod.  LOOK at her.

Me: Holy hell! She looks like a prune rolled in Doritos.

Taylor: She looks like the customer from the tanning salon that peed in trashcans.

Me: Huh?

Taylor: Yeah, she was upset at me once and peed in all our trashcans.  So, I put a notice on her record so it flashed “PEES IN TRASHCANS” across the screen every time she came in.

Me: Nice…. she sounds charming!  I bet you have some great stories.

Taylor: Yeah… the worst were the old men who wanted to shock me.

Me: Like …with a taser?

Taylor: NO with their behavior!

Me: What did they say?

Taylor: This one guy came in and (in her burliest voice) Will my d*^k burn in there?

Me: huge eyes WHAT?

Taylor: Yeah. I said to him, “Has your d*^k seen the light of day?  If not, I suggest you put a sock on it.”

Me: literally fell in the floor laughing

Taylor: What? It’s true.  Skin is skin.

Me: I…can’t…breathe…

Taylor: with a sassy head nod and smile Want me to stab at you with the epi pen?

Me: hahahahhahaha Seriously….can’t…. stop…. laughing….

*****************

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