After much ado, I am finally back! As you may recall, when we last were here, I had gotten a new job. Well, long story short, I am back. I did have one last hurrah back at the old job and, in true form, it was legendary. Enjoy one final story from my old job dearies!
Part 1: Chaos
As I drive into the old office, I am hit with a wave of nostalgia. Although I hated that place, it did have its moments. Much like an old love, you are happy it is over, but can appreciate the good for what it was. I began to get a little misty-eyed and then I pulled into the drive. There? 15 cars. And a swarm of angry villagers. I was seriously looking for pitchforks and torches! They mobbed my car. I finally get them off my car enough for me to get out. Turns out? I was the first one there. The coworkers? They were supposed to be there by 8 to let the angry villagers (AKA group that was renting the upstairs conference room for some uber important meeting). As it was 9, the villagers were pissed, and rightly so.
Fortunately, my boss “gifted” me with being able to keep my key and code in case of emergency because I live so close. The angry villagers were not happy as they only rented the room for an hour, and had been standing the annoying mist rainy crap weather for an hour. I soothed them by saying, “I don’t even work here!” and gave them all my boss’ cell number. So they could each call and express their opinions. I hope her phone exploded….
Part 2: The Beast
When help finally does arrive, the angry mob has ceased and they have dispersed back to whatever place they were. I, having nothing to lose, lay down the hammer on time, communication and how we were going to run the show today (incidentally it was an event that I had begun prior to leaving, so it kind of was my show to run).
Me: You will take Groups Rose and Pearl (I nod to the Crackhaired one); and You (Beast) will take the other groups. I will be running point between all groups keeping them on schedule and helping wherever needed. Ok?
Coworker 1: We have groups?
Me: Yes. It controls the chaos.
Coworker 1: That’s so cool…. I never would have thought to do that. (Bursts into tears) WHY did you LEAVE ME?!?!
Me: Um. I’m really sorry honey….. So… groups.
Beast: eek! (makes a sqeaky sound like a dog toy as she clinches her butt cheeks and hops a little)
Beast: I think I shit myself.
Me: (looking mortified) YOU DID WHAT?
Beast: I have IBS, don’t be mad at me.
Me: YOU SHIT YOURSELF. Go home and change please.
Beast: Yes, that’s what I need to do.
Me: (wafting the smell) Please go now.
Coworker 1: If I shit myself can I leave too?
Part 3: Agatha
I sent she-shits-a-lot home, then I sent the other one home to sleep because she was on my last nerve. This gave me time with my two awesome volunteers to set up and do what I needed without having Crackhair and She-Who-Shits under foot. Doorbell rings and I know it’s my third helper for the day, a paid volunteer (is that an oxymoron?) that I haven’t met yet.
Me: Hi! You must be Agatha! (extend my hand to shake. I take all of Agatha in. She is about 6 feet tall, broad shoulders, growly faced and is about 60.)
Agatha: (smirk) And…. you….are? (no hand extended, just brushes past me into the office.)
Me: Um. I’m (insert name here) and I worked here for four years…. until a month ago. This is my event.
Agatha: (looks at me with disdain) Where is Boss?
Me: She isn’t here, I have no idea.
Agatha: And, then where is Beast?
Me: She had to go home to change clothes.
at this point I am irritated
Agatha: And where is Crackhaired?
Me: NO ONE IS HERE. I AM IN CHARGE.
Agatha: Well, you aren’t a paid employee are you?
Me: Not any more….
Agatha: Well, I am, so I rank you. (gets a pleased grin on her face)
Me: Listen. I don’t care if you are paid or not. This is MY show. You can call the boss, or anyone else you like, but today, paid or not, you answer to me.
Agatha: Well, I’m paid today and you aren’t.
Me: Aren’t you lucky then. Now. Go vacuum. (I do acknowledge this was mean.)
Agatha: In THIS outfit? (which, I must say was nothing spectacular)
Me: Yes unless you’d rather pull the stats for every guest arriving and create a matrix of the spots that are relevant to each of them inside the tour of this facility….then notate that and make sure it’s where the tour guides can easily understand it and access it.
Agatha: I’ll vacuum.
Me: Please get the elevator, there is crap all in there.
Me: We have a cordless vacuum. (In my head i say, As a…what did you call it… paid?…person here today, shouldn’t you know we have that?)
Agatha: I don’t want to do the elevator because the doors will close.
Agatha: I don’t want to be in there with a vacuum.
Me: Well, that’s how you vacuum an elevator, so make it work.
Fifteen minutes pass and then I hear this:
Me: What’s wrong?
Agatha: Nothing! Leave me alone.
Me: Well that’s not going to happen. What’s wrong?
Then I come across a spectacular sight. Agatha drug the CORDED vacuum into the elevator. Then went to plug it in in the hall. The door closed and BOOM. Elevator door is stuck with the cord in it and she can’t open the doors.
Me: AGATHA. Did I NOT say to use the cordless one? THIS IS WHY.
Agatha: Well, I didn’t think it would happen. I figured you were wrong.
Me: Well, it did. And in two hours we have handicap guests that will be here. They need the elevator. So I don’t care if you brute force open the damn door….but you best be figuring out how to make the elevator work.
Agatha: You are a little high and mighty aren’t you.
Me: Shoot her a look with my eyebrow raised a la PIC.
Agatha: Ok I’ll figure SOMETHING out.
Me: Thank you.
At this point the fire department arrives because someone (Agatha I assume) pushed the rescue button. They were able to open the doors. Thank God. Agatha sat there and smirked.
Part 4: Finale
She Who Shits didn’t come back. The Crackhaired one did, but was no help. Agatha, bless her, was in a corner stuffing her face with quiche and mini cheesecakes. The herd of folks arrive, and I divide and conquer. All is well, but suddenly I realize I need Agatha to help with the tour while I go and fix something for the reception area.
Me: Have you seen Agatha?
Volunteer: She left.
Volunteer: Yeah she looked around and then scurried out of here with cheesecakes in her mouth. She looked like a f—ing chipmunk.
Me: Are you kidding me?!?!
Volunteer: Sadly no. I tried to stop her but she glared at me and I thought she would either punch me or eat me.
Me: I’m sorry.
Volunteer: I pity the cheesecakes.
The day ended, and I said goodbye. I closed the chapter on that place and I will never look back. Goodbye Crackhaired, Batshit Boss, Beast who Shits and Agatha. You gave my blog lots of fodder. For that, I am grateful.