My beloved Taylor is having a rough month. The cat has a wax belly and the dog peed on her Chistmas deer.
I had the pleasure of meeting up with Taylor for dinner, where she shared to stories of her week. Enjoy.
If you’re single, we all have that item of clothing (or outfit) we wear for comfort and would simply die if anyone saw. For me? It’s a pair of blue pants I wore after back surgery. The elastic in the waist is worn out so it gives me continual plumber crack.
Taylor hasn’t felt well lately, so she put on her comfort attire (which I will define shortly in detail). I was envisioning her comfort attire as….well…. nothing heinous honestly. She seems too put together to have comfort wear, but I suppose they say the same about me.
Anyway – Taylor’s comfort outfit is a salmon color tshirt that says ARUBA in nasty turquoise blue letters. No bra. Tucked into grey sweat pants with an elastic cuff, and big blue socks that have little balls on them. Observe:
Taylor was laying on the couch trying not to die when her doorbell rang. Mortified that she was in her comfort wear, Taylor weekly made it to the door and squeaked “Who is it?” Turns out it was a concerned co-worker there to bring meds and soup. Awww.
Taylor told her to leave the materials at the door and she will get them. No one would see Taylor in this outfit if she could help it!
A few minutes later, Taylor opens the door to get said items. Call it slow reactions. Call it bad dog. Call it fate. But something made Taylor’s dog Max make a mad dash for the outside world at this point.
Max is young and is not an outside dog, thus Taylor had to plow down the street of her neighborhood….. in her comfort-wear. Here is how she said it went down, verbatim.
Taylor: YOU FU*&ING BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Max: yelps and runs – this is a game for him now
Taylor: SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Max: gives her a look like… um actually? Yes.
Taylor: STOP! BAD DOG!!!!!!!
Max: cuts through a neighbor’s yard and proceeds to poop on said yard
Taylor, winded from having run and scream, while sick, scooped Max up, pulled some toilet paper from her pocket (apparently she has a cold), and cleaned up best she could. Max seemed pleased, but Taylor feels she now has to move because her street has seen her comfy wear.
God Bless Taylor.
A few days later, Taylor went back to work. At lunch, Taylor went to the little grocery by her office where all the earth-friendly people go. People were giving her the once over, and she thought it was because she hadn’t brought in her re-usable grocery bag. She felt guilty, but kept perusing. After many scowls, Taylor began scowling back.
At the check out, Taylor’s checkout guy was also giving her the eye. Then he asked if she’d like to buy a bag. And then this happened:
Taylor: THAT’S IT!!!!!!!!! No. I don’t want a bag. I’m sorry I forgot to bring my reusable bag in, but I feel like crap and I’m on cold meds. Whatever. Just give me my stuff.
Bagboy: Gives her the once over and says: Really?
Taylor looks down.
Taylor: Oh shit.
Then she quickly grabs her bag and runs out.
Why? Taylor was forced to participate in her office Ugly Sweater party. Apparently, Taylor forgot she was wearing said hideous sweater and THAT was what folks were looking at…. not her lack of earth-friendly carry alls.
So in the course of a week, Taylor, has gone from pulled together cutie to What Not to Wear. God BLESS Taylor. Hope she feels better soon.
Merry Christmas-Happy Holidays! Stay out of the ugly sweaters and off the cold meds.