Revenge of the Gluten

Part of my job is to woo people into spending an exorbitant amount of money now and for years future on something that’s a luxury, not a requirement.  This means that we have to, as a staff, put our best foot forward when the prospective client comes in.

I was on a tour and everything was going swimmingly well.  We sat down for a delicious lunch and I was informed the man had a severe gluten issue.  I went on and on about how we have many others in the same situation, and that we always take good care of them.  I see that I’m really reeling him in with this, so the pressure is on a good meal to seal the deal.

My dear waiter comes over and valiantly takes the order, repeating three times that the order is on our special gluten free bread.

Dinner arrives and the conversation ensues:

Me: How’s your meal?

Gluten Guy:  *stuffing face furiously* MMMMM.  It’s so good!  This is the BEST gluten free bread I’ve ever eaten!

Me: Oh yes – only the best for our guests.

GG: Do you make this in house?

Me: Though we make most of our bread here, I’m not sure about the gluten one – let me ask the waiter.

GG: I’ve tried literally every brand on the market and nothing compares.  You must make this in house…. and if so, you’ve got a deal.  Sign me up today!

Waiter goes to check, I feel very happy.  As the waiter declares the brand of the bread used, the poor Gluten Guy pops up looking very uncomfortable and flees the scene.

His guest and I exchange “I dunno” glances.

GG comes back to the table about 20 minutes later.  He apologizes and says that he thinks he still has a touch of the bug left from the night before.  As I hurry him to the next part of the schedule, I turn around and he’s gone again.  I figure he just went to make a phone call, but we are seriously running late!  I wait for 20 minutes and he emerges from the bathroom looking worse for the wear.

I get him to the next stop and leave him in the care of the next staffer.  I then go to the kitchen to praise them for a job well done.  When I enter the kitchen, everyone noticed me and then scurried away.  I look around feeling very concerned.  Finally, Chef emerges.

Chef: So… that meal you had.  I need you to see something.

Me: Oh GOD don’t tell me you fed him gluten.

Chef: I did.  But it’s not my fault.  Look at the ticket – it’s not rung in that way.

Me: FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!!

Chef: I’m so sorry! I should have known to check.  That waiter is notorious for mixing up gluten orders.

Me: Well that explains why it was the best bread he ever ate….

As if on cue, in walks the waiter.  YOU!!! I point and say in my most stern voice. The waiter gives me a chortle and says yea my bad….he’ll just get the trots.  It’s not that terrible.  Dude could use to lose a few pounds anyway.

And that, kids, is when I lost my mind.   I literally blacked out.  When I came to, the waiter was slightly quivering.  I had to go apologize to his supervisor because I felt I crossed the line… she thought it was funny and congratulated me on finally “getting my mean on”.  I’m not sure what’s become of poor GG. I haven’t heard from him but I’m pretty sure I lost that sell.

Lesson learned:  I’ll always make the gluten free meals myself.

 

 

 

I Told You I Needed To Leave…

I just got a new kitten.  Sad story not meant for this blog, but all will be fine.

This little kitten is 1.5 pounds of fur, furious energy and extreme vocal cords.   This tiny ball of terror has a way of working her way into my heart in the most unexpected ways.

I live an hour from work.  I decided to get a vet close to where I work so that I can be there for her in a moment’s notice.  Baby’s first vet visit appointment was here.  This meant I had two options.  1) Leave early and take her home or 2) Pick her up and bring her to work with me.  When I asked my boss (more on him in future posts), he picked #2.

Little baby was perfect.  Here she is sleeping quietly… which she did for most of the afternoon.  Eventually though, I had to go to the restroom.  This means disturbing lil bit from her slumber.  I snuggle her up…. put her on the little soft mat from her kennel…. and quietly sneak off to the bathroom.

img_3770-2

Awwww…. the cuteness…

 

About halfway down the hall on my way back, I hear the roaring sound of a kitten that is royally pissed off.  Being a new mom, I ran fast as lightening to rescue my baby from what I was certain was the clutches of evil!

I get to my office and find this:

 

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One pissed off kitten.

 

She simply was not having any of it.  At this point it’s 5:30 and I realize that it’s time to go.  Her vocal olympics are not getting quieter, plus it’s just time to go. I put her back in the kennel and pack up her toys and food… grab my coat…. turn around to handle the litter box and boom.  In walks the boss.  Hey… you got a minute?  Now, to the normal person, would you not see that I am trying to leave and take that as a sign that unless it was an urgent matter, it can wait?  Not him.

Me: looking at him with a quizzical expression

Boss: Were you leaving?

Me: Yes?

Boss: So how’s the kitten?

Kitten: MEOWWWWWWWWWWW

Me: Ready to go home.

Boss: I don’t feel like I’ve seen you all day – how was your day?

Me: It was good thanks.

Boss: sits down

Me: Stands there, kitten in tow.

Boss: Sit down!  Let’s catch up.

Me: unfurls kitten from her kennel, she runs around my office and straight up my bosses leg.  Kitten razor nails all strong.

Boss: oh! What a cutie you are!

Me: Yes…. so what’s up?

Boss: blah blah blah (work stuff that was not important but I can’t say here)

Me: Yes.

Boss: blah blah blah (work stuff that was not important but I can’t say here)

Me: Ok but I can do that tomorrow right?

Boss: Well, yes, but…

Kitten: goes over to her litter box (which was right by my boss’ foot) and poops.  Then, she flings litter back at him, jumps out of the box…. looks him and roars her mighty MEOWWWWW!

Me: recoil at the smell

Boss: recoil at the small

Me: See.  I told you we needed to go.

Kitten: walks into her kennel and looks at me with a twinkle in her little blue eyes.

Me: (after boss leaves) Mommy is so proud of you! Poop on him any time.  Here’s a treat.

 

Just…take it all in.

Good morning bloggies! I just logged back in to my site after a really long hiatus that’s due to a demanding work load and a basic lack of energy.  A lot has happened in the years I’ve been gone, so I have much fodder for posts.  As I was going through my draft folder, I unearthed this gem.  It took me right back to where I was almost exactly 5 years ago today.  Why I didn’t post it? I’m not sure.  Probably traumatized by it.  Now, however, as time does… trauma morphed into a snort fit of laughter.

Enjoy!

OH GOD.  This really did just happen…and I know I should be working rather than blogging, but I didn’t want to spare you guys one detail.

In order to appreciate the absurdity of it all, I must give you the back story.

My office mate has a rather putrid odor.  Not familiar?  Click here to see the letter I’d love to send him.  This is the same office mate that ripped his pants straight up the ass at work and wouldn’t go home to change them because… “um, why should I?”

His disdain for soap, basic hygiene and any sense of style aside, the first thing you think when you meet him is, “Wow.  He is wholly asexual.”  Honestly y’all, I’m pretty sure that if he wanted to, he could split and multiply.  I work in an office where really pretty people come in and out on a regular basis.  He doesn’t flirt, he doesn’t try to impress…and that’s both in and out of the office.  So, when the following happened, you can understand why I was both mortified and amused.

Me: Hello. I just need to grab these files.

Office Mate: Ba…uh…ba…ba…ba..ba..baw….. She’s a brick….. HOUSE…. She’s mighty mighty, just lettin it all hang out. Yeah your a brick….HOUSE….

Me: (deer in headlights look on my face – fight or flight response coming on – I don’t engage or acknowledge, which is hard because his knee is at my face.)

Office Mate: ‘s a brick….HOUSE. Your the one, the only one….

In abject terror, I get up from the file cabinet.  This was when he sneezes his spray sneeze all over the files in my hands….and probably me too, but I don’t like thinking about that.

He started laughing and said it was his new “song” (He’s in a band of middle aged crazy people that don’t sing as much as they do shout.) I just ran.  I guess when it comes down to it, fight or flight, I pick flight.  Stop judging me.

Naughty Naughty

At my new office, a group of us have begun a weekly lunch group.   At this lunch, we were discussing gift ideas.  I, the ultimate gift giver, declared a particular website that I always use for gift idea inspiration.  Before I go further, I must say that this group I eat with is very diverse.

1) Lucy: she’s a numbers girl and extremely logical.  She has no filter.

2) Vince: older than us, heart of gold…. but his mind is always in the gutter.  No filter.

3) Jane: my wonderful, level headed sweet hearted co worker.  We have known each other for years – and she certainly has a filter.

At this lunch, we had an outsider – John.  As luck has it?  I had some serious make out sessions with John in college.  Of course it was nothing serious and he’s got a wife an kid now… but imagine on your first day at work walking into the office of a co-worker and you both realizing that the last time you saw him?  You were scurrying around seeking your underwear and stumbling over beer cans and pizza boxes. Awesome….We swore not to talk about those nights back in the day to any of our co-workers.

Now.  We’re talking gifts and this seemingly sweet topic turned very bad.  While perusing this site on my iPhone, the following conversation took place:

Me: Oh! Corkcicle.  It’s a really cool wine chilling device- she’d love it!

Jane: Oh let me see!

Vince: The HELL is a pork cicle?

Me: CORK!!!

Vince: Pork?

Jane: CORK – like for wine

Vince:  Oh.

Lucy: Hey that reminds me of something I heard on the radio the other day.  Did you know a pig can have an orgasm for 30 minutes?

Jane: They can?  That’s not fair! (Then realizes she spoke that out loud and puts her hand over her mouth.)

We all laugh, then John walks in.

Me: taking my phone back, searching for distraction…. I happen upon plush toys.  I click the picture to enlarge and see this:

Toy

Jane: What is that?

Me: I’m not sure? It says plush toys but OH! (as I begin to look realistically at them and realize what they are)

Jane: realizes this at the same time

Me: Ok….so ovary, prostate and testicle.  So what’s the pink one?

Jane ponders and Vince grabs the phone

Vince: looks down over the brim of his glasses and very matter of factly and quite overly pronounced, he says: Testicle. Hmm.  Yes, I’m not sure what that pink thing is.

John: grabs my phone and exclaims: OH! I know!  It’s the C word!  (looks at me and turns bright red)

Me: eyes grow wide and looks around to see if anyone else saw

Lucy: which one?

John: even more beet red, speaking straight to me and NOT Lucy who asked the question: NO!  NOT THAT C, the other one the.. the… the…

Lucy: Clitoris?

John: Yeah…that one.

Me: still looking at him, then mentally sending him the message of “Hey.  I wish you’d known what that was back in college….”

Jane: I don’t think that’s right.

Vince: No. It can’t be…. (randomly poking at the phone)…. OH!  It says (again in his clinical voice) MAMMARY.

John:  Hmmm.  Mammary….

Me: beet red and wishing I had not visited this site.

Lucy: I don’t get it.  Are they vibrators?

Me: oh dear god…. want to crawl under the table

Jane: NO!  They are just toys.

Lucy:  How do you play with the toy? What do they do?

Jane: Not THAT kind of toy – it’s really like a pillow or a stuffed animal.

Lucy: Why?

Jane: I’m not sure?

Lucy: That’s stupid.  Why would I want to have plush organs lying around?

Me: I have no idea.

Lucy: OH! I could buy a couple of testicles and let my dogs have them!  Here boy!  Fetch the testicle!

Me: begin to wheeze in laughter because both Vince and John have a look on their face of pain and fear.

John: I gotta go…..

Lunch ended abruptly and we all kind of just dissipated.

And the best part dear readers?  Lucy?  She’s dubbed our HR Head.  Awesome….

Semantics + Dirty Mind = …….

I told you I had a dirty mind lately.  Well, it got worse.

Proving, yet again, that semantics are important.  One man’s tomato is another man’s… well…. enjoy….

Coworker: Can we put up a link to fuzzy balls on my part of the website?

Me: What???

Coworker: Don’t be that way, look at it on the computer.   It’s fuzzyballs.com and I think it has good info on there.

Me: I’m not typing that in.  I’m afraid of what I might see.

Coworker:  silence

Me: Fine.  Ohhhhhhh.  It’s fuzzy YELLOW balls.com

Coworker: Yeah.  Isn’t that what I said?

Me: No.

Coworker: Oh.  Well whatever.  Can you link that for me?

Me: Sure…..

I then had to call HR and tell them that if they saw a search for “fuzzy balls” on my computer, it was NOT what it sounded like.  Rather, it was a coworker who had asked if I could link it to his web page and he left out yellow.  I sound like a moron.  A sick, twisted, moron.

I need wine.

 

Like Charlie Sheen Attracts Strippers and Coke

I sometimes get questions of “do you make this shit up” on my blog.  The answer is a tragic NO.  Sadly, I doubt I’m creative enough to come up with this.    I attract crazy and odd like Charlie Sheen attracts strippers and coke.  (Yes, verbatim I was told this.)  This story is one of those gems.  But first, a little background:

I am at this amazing new job.  I love what I do, I love where I am…. but my boss?  He is, bless him, about one nugget short of a Happy Meal.  My coworkers and I have dubbed him Doug E. Fresh.  I’m not sure why or how this happened, but it’s quite commonplace vernacular here now. Doug E. Fresh’s existence, I’m certain, is to make our lives as difficult as possible before he leaves this position.  We have a countdown clock now the we know when he’s leaving.  Tick Tock Doug E. Fresh… Tick Tock.

That being said, Doug E. Fresh tales from last week.  ONE day in my life with Doug E.

Me: Doug E. Fresh, (ok I used his REAL name but  you get me) I need you to sign this time request off form.  I’m taking the day after Christmas off if that is ok.

DEF: Oh yes that’s fine.  You are here all the time.  You need a day…

Me: smile (and think to myself it’s YOUR fault I’m here all the dang time)

DEF: Why did you date this with a smiley face?

Me: Oh! (blush) it’s 12/12/12 and I thought that was cool to write.  Sorry….

DEF: That’s right!  How cool is that!  Oh!  Next year it’s 13/13/13! Oh geez I hope it’s not on a Friday!  (laughter)

Me: (realizing he’s serious) Um… 13?  That’s not possible…. it’s December…12….

DEF: God DAMN it!!!!! Oh well.

Me: I’ll see you in our meeting!

I scurry away and flee to the bathroom where I erupt in a fit of laughter.

*************

DEF: (in the middle of a meeting)  You know some days my whole goal is to just distract you.

Me:  Pardon?

DEF: Yea…. you are SO focused.  You just move right through and stay on track regardless of what I say or do.

Me:  Um…. thanks.  I try.  So, as I was saying, here we have the…

DEF: hummina-humminah (makes weird noises)

Me: Yes?

DEF: (more noises)

Me: Ok, So, as I was saying, you have the…..

DEF: (laughs)

Me: Yes?

DEF:  Really?  Do you take stuff for this? You are incredibly hyper focused man!

Me: I’m not on any medications for anything – I’m just a professional and I’d like to get done before dark.

DEF: hahaha!  Ok.  Carry on.

He left about five minutes later….

****************************

To understand this final section, you must understand Doug E. Fresh’s work (haha) schedule.

9am: arrive, fuss about computer, check emails, drink coffee, walk around the office areas and interrupts all head employees

11am: declare hunger and/or may attend a meeting

11:30-noon: leave for lunch

1pm: attend a fitness class or go hit golf balls for a few hours

3pm: back in office, check email, may attend a meeting

4pm: leave for the day
Earlier this week, not surprisingly  Doug E. Fresh declared I had to do a special presentation just for him and include some people via phone. I was already doing this presentation twice on Monday, but Doug E. Fresh wanted it for his on Friday. Fine.  It was absurd, and useless, but I did it.  Then I get this email:

“Yours truly is taking some much deserved time off on Friday. If you need me, I’ll be checking emails”

So, I reply:

“Dipshit.  YOU need time off?  I work more hours in day than you did in two months.  TIME OFF?  You make me pull favors to get a presentation just for you on Friday and now you aren’t even coming?? OR did it mean so little to you that you forgot.  Sweet mother Mary.  You are batshit crazy.  Please, don’t come back….just run away and don’t stop.”

Ok.  I didn’t.  Well, I did, but I erased it.  What I really wrote was:

“You made me schedule a meeting for you on Friday as a test run presentation.  I have a,b,c lined up for the conference call.  Are you really not attending?”

Doug E. Fresh:

“We can do another on on Monday early if you needed to.  I don’t think it’s necessary on Friday.  I trust you.  You’re the bestest!!!”

Ya’ll!  He did.  He said bestest.  And used three !!!. I can only assume the man was drunk or high as a kite.  What 60-something year old man says that?  I think he’s messing with me.  Wait….maybe he’s the Beebs after all.  Maybe it was HIM messing with me and not… no?  You think?  I need wine…..

Cheers,

Me

My Office Is Possessed

My office has taken on 84 needy children for the holidays.  So sweet right?

Well, the stash of stuff is partly in my office.  Off and on for the past few days I have been hearing things.  I dismiss them to long hours, thin walls and a chef that beats meat.    Last night, however, I for a brief time believed my office was possessed.

I, working late like a good girl, kept hearing a jibber-jabber noise.  A few minutes later, I hear a muffled but distinctly creepy voice singing “Clementine”.

Alright.  Now I’m creeped out, but I’m certain I’m hearing things.

I head over to the piles of gifts and poke at them a little.

Silence in all the bags.

I sit down

Then I hear a different pitch chatter.

I get up to investigate again.

Silence.

I begin to move the bags I feel might contain said sound out from my office.

When I put down the bags, I hear the most demonic sounding “See you laaaa–ttt—eerrr” I’ve ever heard.

I squealed like a little girl, ran into my office, slammed the door and screamed, “Sweet Mother Of GOD!!!  Leave me alone!!!”

I sit back down and all is quiet for an hour.  I get up to open the door because I fear security will alarm me in if the door is shut.

Sit back down and you know what I hear?  HARMONIZING.

I begin to giggle.  Come on!  Demons don’t harmonize…..

I gather my courage to go investigate, dig under the bags until I find it….open the bag and…. I bet all you parents out there know what I found.

No?  It’s a Sing-a-ma-jig.  Have you heard of them?  Here’s a link to their official video page.  Note: I am not a paid spokeswoman for them, nor do I own one.  It’s just here for you to refer to them and know what creepy sounds I heard.   

Four Sing-a-ma-jigs dolls

Four Sing-a-ma-jigs dolls (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Creepy little bastards.

Enjoy your holidays!
Me