At my new office, a group of us have begun a weekly lunch group. At this lunch, we were discussing gift ideas. I, the ultimate gift giver, declared a particular website that I always use for gift idea inspiration. Before I go further, I must say that this group I eat with is very diverse.
1) Lucy: she’s a numbers girl and extremely logical. She has no filter.
2) Vince: older than us, heart of gold…. but his mind is always in the gutter. No filter.
3) Jane: my wonderful, level headed sweet hearted co worker. We have known each other for years – and she certainly has a filter.
At this lunch, we had an outsider – John. As luck has it? I had some serious make out sessions with John in college. Of course it was nothing serious and he’s got a wife an kid now… but imagine on your first day at work walking into the office of a co-worker and you both realizing that the last time you saw him? You were scurrying around seeking your underwear and stumbling over beer cans and pizza boxes. Awesome….We swore not to talk about those nights back in the day to any of our co-workers.
Now. We’re talking gifts and this seemingly sweet topic turned very bad. While perusing this site on my iPhone, the following conversation took place:
Me: Oh! Corkcicle. It’s a really cool wine chilling device- she’d love it!
Jane: Oh let me see!
Vince: The HELL is a pork cicle?
Jane: CORK – like for wine
Lucy: Hey that reminds me of something I heard on the radio the other day. Did you know a pig can have an orgasm for 30 minutes?
Jane: They can? That’s not fair! (Then realizes she spoke that out loud and puts her hand over her mouth.)
We all laugh, then John walks in.
Me: taking my phone back, searching for distraction…. I happen upon plush toys. I click the picture to enlarge and see this:
Jane: What is that?
Me: I’m not sure? It says plush toys but OH! (as I begin to look realistically at them and realize what they are)
Jane: realizes this at the same time
Me: Ok….so ovary, prostate and testicle. So what’s the pink one?
Jane ponders and Vince grabs the phone
Vince: looks down over the brim of his glasses and very matter of factly and quite overly pronounced, he says: Testicle. Hmm. Yes, I’m not sure what that pink thing is.
John: grabs my phone and exclaims: OH! I know! It’s the C word! (looks at me and turns bright red)
Me: eyes grow wide and looks around to see if anyone else saw
Lucy: which one?
John: even more beet red, speaking straight to me and NOT Lucy who asked the question: NO! NOT THAT C, the other one the.. the… the…
John: Yeah…that one.
Me: still looking at him, then mentally sending him the message of “Hey. I wish you’d known what that was back in college….”
Jane: I don’t think that’s right.
Vince: No. It can’t be…. (randomly poking at the phone)…. OH! It says (again in his clinical voice) MAMMARY.
John: Hmmm. Mammary….
Me: beet red and wishing I had not visited this site.
Lucy: I don’t get it. Are they vibrators?
Me: oh dear god…. want to crawl under the table
Jane: NO! They are just toys.
Lucy: How do you play with the toy? What do they do?
Jane: Not THAT kind of toy – it’s really like a pillow or a stuffed animal.
Jane: I’m not sure?
Lucy: That’s stupid. Why would I want to have plush organs lying around?
Me: I have no idea.
Lucy: OH! I could buy a couple of testicles and let my dogs have them! Here boy! Fetch the testicle!
Me: begin to wheeze in laughter because both Vince and John have a look on their face of pain and fear.
John: I gotta go…..
Lunch ended abruptly and we all kind of just dissipated.
And the best part dear readers? Lucy? She’s dubbed our HR Head. Awesome….