Naughty Naughty

At my new office, a group of us have begun a weekly lunch group.   At this lunch, we were discussing gift ideas.  I, the ultimate gift giver, declared a particular website that I always use for gift idea inspiration.  Before I go further, I must say that this group I eat with is very diverse.

1) Lucy: she’s a numbers girl and extremely logical.  She has no filter.

2) Vince: older than us, heart of gold…. but his mind is always in the gutter.  No filter.

3) Jane: my wonderful, level headed sweet hearted co worker.  We have known each other for years – and she certainly has a filter.

At this lunch, we had an outsider – John.  As luck has it?  I had some serious make out sessions with John in college.  Of course it was nothing serious and he’s got a wife an kid now… but imagine on your first day at work walking into the office of a co-worker and you both realizing that the last time you saw him?  You were scurrying around seeking your underwear and stumbling over beer cans and pizza boxes. Awesome….We swore not to talk about those nights back in the day to any of our co-workers.

Now.  We’re talking gifts and this seemingly sweet topic turned very bad.  While perusing this site on my iPhone, the following conversation took place:

Me: Oh! Corkcicle.  It’s a really cool wine chilling device- she’d love it!

Jane: Oh let me see!

Vince: The HELL is a pork cicle?

Me: CORK!!!

Vince: Pork?

Jane: CORK – like for wine

Vince:  Oh.

Lucy: Hey that reminds me of something I heard on the radio the other day.  Did you know a pig can have an orgasm for 30 minutes?

Jane: They can?  That’s not fair! (Then realizes she spoke that out loud and puts her hand over her mouth.)

We all laugh, then John walks in.

Me: taking my phone back, searching for distraction…. I happen upon plush toys.  I click the picture to enlarge and see this:

Toy

Jane: What is that?

Me: I’m not sure? It says plush toys but OH! (as I begin to look realistically at them and realize what they are)

Jane: realizes this at the same time

Me: Ok….so ovary, prostate and testicle.  So what’s the pink one?

Jane ponders and Vince grabs the phone

Vince: looks down over the brim of his glasses and very matter of factly and quite overly pronounced, he says: Testicle. Hmm.  Yes, I’m not sure what that pink thing is.

John: grabs my phone and exclaims: OH! I know!  It’s the C word!  (looks at me and turns bright red)

Me: eyes grow wide and looks around to see if anyone else saw

Lucy: which one?

John: even more beet red, speaking straight to me and NOT Lucy who asked the question: NO!  NOT THAT C, the other one the.. the… the…

Lucy: Clitoris?

John: Yeah…that one.

Me: still looking at him, then mentally sending him the message of “Hey.  I wish you’d known what that was back in college….”

Jane: I don’t think that’s right.

Vince: No. It can’t be…. (randomly poking at the phone)…. OH!  It says (again in his clinical voice) MAMMARY.

John:  Hmmm.  Mammary….

Me: beet red and wishing I had not visited this site.

Lucy: I don’t get it.  Are they vibrators?

Me: oh dear god…. want to crawl under the table

Jane: NO!  They are just toys.

Lucy:  How do you play with the toy? What do they do?

Jane: Not THAT kind of toy – it’s really like a pillow or a stuffed animal.

Lucy: Why?

Jane: I’m not sure?

Lucy: That’s stupid.  Why would I want to have plush organs lying around?

Me: I have no idea.

Lucy: OH! I could buy a couple of testicles and let my dogs have them!  Here boy!  Fetch the testicle!

Me: begin to wheeze in laughter because both Vince and John have a look on their face of pain and fear.

John: I gotta go…..

Lunch ended abruptly and we all kind of just dissipated.

And the best part dear readers?  Lucy?  She’s dubbed our HR Head.  Awesome….

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Twilight Zone

Forgive me bloggies for being MIA last week.  My grandma passed.  I intend to do a funny/cool tribute on her later, but here was the initial one I promised. 🙂

I’m pretty sure I’ve crossed into the Twilight Zone.   Monday was the day I was supposed to come out, guns blazing, and resign.  Instead, I’m feeling oddly off-put.  You know – like when you psych yourself up for a big presentation in front of a very crowded room, and you walk in…and the room has like five people?  Half relieved, half confused….and a little let down.  Yeah.  That’s about how I feel.

To recap, my soon to be ex boss?  She’s batshit crazy.  Check out a lovely story of her here.

Me: Today I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is I’ve been offered the job as Her Awesomeness (yes, I totally made that up and I didn’t say it, but it’s a super cool job and hell….can I have business cards that say that?) at….

Boss: You’re leaving me aren’t you?

Me: Um…yes.

Boss: I can’t say I’m surprised…or didn’t see this coming.

Me: fighting back a look of shock

Boss: I knew you were worth more than we could ever pay you when we hired you.

Me:  Oh…. well…. thanks.

Boss: Your timing is bad though.

Me: Yes, I know. I’m very sorry.

Boss: It’s going to be great.  Don’t you worry.  I’m proud of you.

******

So, here I was expecting fireworks and a lot of screw you guys I’m going home….but it was gentle.  Where has THIS boss been?  Then this happened.

Remember Beast?  If not, catch up here.

Beast: bear hugs me from behind, tears rolling down her face I just got used to you….

Me: Pardon?

Beast: I am going to miss you SO much.

Me: Pardon?

Beast: I’d rather lose anyone else here but you.

Me: Wow…. I didn’t know you felt that way.

Beast: Why? I’m always nicer to you.

Me: True (No.  That’s a lie guys.  She’s not nice to anyone, myself included, hence we call her Beast….but I so thrown off by her kind behavior that I couldn’t muster up any bitchy retort.)

*************

My co-worker who is  my friend here?  My one piece of sanity?  The one I bailed out of jail?  Here was her response:

Me: I need to tell you something.

Coworker: I know what you are about to say don’t I?

Me: Yeah…

Coworker: How could you DO THIS to me?

Me: Hon, it’s not about you.  I’m actually doing something for myself.

Coworker: Whatever. This is really unprofessional timing. I’m shocked and disappointed at you.  Of all people, I thought YOU would have more class.  You know what…. it IS like you.  You are so selfish.

Me: Seriously?

The coworker gives me the death stare and has refrained from speaking to me since. I feel like this is an episode of the freaking Twilight Zone!!!  The bad is good.  The good is bad.  Maybe I’m drunk and this was just a really odd dream. If so, can I please have any guy from Magic Mike, Ryan Gosling and/or Adam Levine make an appearance?  Thankyouverymuch.

Happy Monday,

Me

The Work Cast Part 1

Today’s post only works because this blog is anonymous.  If this actually got pinned to the people I’m about to talk about, I’d be mortified….like clutch my pearls-keel over-someone grab the smelling salts – mortified.  Then I’d probably have to flee to Abu Dhabi….but I digress.

I work in a small office.  There are a grand total of six people handling this international organization.  Blows. My. Mind.  Then I realize oh – I do the job of ten, that’s how this works!  The fact that I work so much means I have to find a little comic relief or go mad.  Lucky for me, I have an entire cast of characters to offer me this relief…daily.

I am going to make this a four part series.  I know I have five co-workers, but one is just lazy and that’s all there is to him.  There is no blog fodder there.  So, hold tight blog land.  More to follow!

First up: The Beast

There’s one in every office.  Once you make your mind about her, every single action she does pisses you off.  Currently, she’s drinking a soda.  No way that should piss you off right? Nope. I just looked at her and thought, “Look at that bitch slurping soda like she’s God.” Then I thought um…. really? Did I just think that? Yes. Yes I did think that.

She’s the boss’ daughter and I call her beast because she kind of resembles one.  She’s large, furry and has big teeth.  She’s belligerent, lazy and acts like she entitled to the world.  Beast always has to be right and she always has an opinion.

Beast’s comic relief to me comes in two forms that I’ve turned into a drinking game.

1) Whenever Beast wants to interject herself unwantedly into your conversation, she rolls her chair back and stares at you.  Then, talks over you until you have to listen or go deaf.  Every time she rolls back, that’s a shot I get to take at some point during the week.  This week, I’m up to ten shots.  It’s Tuesday.

2) Beast’s favorite thing on earth is to be right. So, I ask her questions.  Questions I already know the answer to, but I’m not allowed to actually answer because they are her “specialty”. Every time she gives me a wrong answer, I prove she’s wrong. I then get to watch the smirk on her face dissipate as she tries to figure out a way around the right answer and try to find some loophole that makes her answer right in some alternate universe. When I push her to the point she says the line, “Well. You’re just wrong and that’s all there is to it.” I get to pick a drink of my choice for that.  Again, it’s Tuesday and I’m up four.

I think the point I started really disliking Beast was the day she scolded me for needing to put my check in the bank.  She lives at home with her mom still.  She has no bills.  She gets paid more than I do…. so of course she has no need to put her freaking check in the bank right away! Me? I’m single. Mounds of college debt. A mortgage.  A car payment.  Credit cards from when I used to make money from a previous job-now I don’t and I am still paying these damn things off. All of these things have due dates.  I get paid once a month.  The audacity of someone to scold me for needing to put my check into the bank in a timely fashion? The hell.  I have wanted to slap the white right off her since that day.

Seriously?  Ok blog land – she just rolled out and asked why I was typing so much.  I WORK IN A FREAKING OFFICE. WE HAVE COMPUTERS. I’M TYPING UP A REPORT FOR BOARD….and my blog, but that’s beside the point….THAT’S WHY.

We are officially up to shot #11.  Yes please.  I think I’ll have one tonight.  Maybe two.  Wanna join me?  Cheers!