Revenge of the Gluten

Part of my job is to woo people into spending an exorbitant amount of money now and for years future on something that’s a luxury, not a requirement.  This means that we have to, as a staff, put our best foot forward when the prospective client comes in.

I was on a tour and everything was going swimmingly well.  We sat down for a delicious lunch and I was informed the man had a severe gluten issue.  I went on and on about how we have many others in the same situation, and that we always take good care of them.  I see that I’m really reeling him in with this, so the pressure is on a good meal to seal the deal.

My dear waiter comes over and valiantly takes the order, repeating three times that the order is on our special gluten free bread.

Dinner arrives and the conversation ensues:

Me: How’s your meal?

Gluten Guy:  *stuffing face furiously* MMMMM.  It’s so good!  This is the BEST gluten free bread I’ve ever eaten!

Me: Oh yes – only the best for our guests.

GG: Do you make this in house?

Me: Though we make most of our bread here, I’m not sure about the gluten one – let me ask the waiter.

GG: I’ve tried literally every brand on the market and nothing compares.  You must make this in house…. and if so, you’ve got a deal.  Sign me up today!

Waiter goes to check, I feel very happy.  As the waiter declares the brand of the bread used, the poor Gluten Guy pops up looking very uncomfortable and flees the scene.

His guest and I exchange “I dunno” glances.

GG comes back to the table about 20 minutes later.  He apologizes and says that he thinks he still has a touch of the bug left from the night before.  As I hurry him to the next part of the schedule, I turn around and he’s gone again.  I figure he just went to make a phone call, but we are seriously running late!  I wait for 20 minutes and he emerges from the bathroom looking worse for the wear.

I get him to the next stop and leave him in the care of the next staffer.  I then go to the kitchen to praise them for a job well done.  When I enter the kitchen, everyone noticed me and then scurried away.  I look around feeling very concerned.  Finally, Chef emerges.

Chef: So… that meal you had.  I need you to see something.

Me: Oh GOD don’t tell me you fed him gluten.

Chef: I did.  But it’s not my fault.  Look at the ticket – it’s not rung in that way.

Me: FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!!!

Chef: I’m so sorry! I should have known to check.  That waiter is notorious for mixing up gluten orders.

Me: Well that explains why it was the best bread he ever ate….

As if on cue, in walks the waiter.  YOU!!! I point and say in my most stern voice. The waiter gives me a chortle and says yea my bad….he’ll just get the trots.  It’s not that terrible.  Dude could use to lose a few pounds anyway.

And that, kids, is when I lost my mind.   I literally blacked out.  When I came to, the waiter was slightly quivering.  I had to go apologize to his supervisor because I felt I crossed the line… she thought it was funny and congratulated me on finally “getting my mean on”.  I’m not sure what’s become of poor GG. I haven’t heard from him but I’m pretty sure I lost that sell.

Lesson learned:  I’ll always make the gluten free meals myself.

 

 

 

I Told You I Needed To Leave…

I just got a new kitten.  Sad story not meant for this blog, but all will be fine.

This little kitten is 1.5 pounds of fur, furious energy and extreme vocal cords.   This tiny ball of terror has a way of working her way into my heart in the most unexpected ways.

I live an hour from work.  I decided to get a vet close to where I work so that I can be there for her in a moment’s notice.  Baby’s first vet visit appointment was here.  This meant I had two options.  1) Leave early and take her home or 2) Pick her up and bring her to work with me.  When I asked my boss (more on him in future posts), he picked #2.

Little baby was perfect.  Here she is sleeping quietly… which she did for most of the afternoon.  Eventually though, I had to go to the restroom.  This means disturbing lil bit from her slumber.  I snuggle her up…. put her on the little soft mat from her kennel…. and quietly sneak off to the bathroom.

Awwww…. the cuteness…

 

About halfway down the hall on my way back, I hear the roaring sound of a kitten that is royally pissed off.  Being a new mom, I ran fast as lightening to rescue my baby from what I was certain was the clutches of evil!

I get to my office and find this:

 

One pissed off kitten.

 

She simply was not having any of it.  At this point it’s 5:30 and I realize that it’s time to go.  Her vocal olympics are not getting quieter, plus it’s just time to go. I put her back in the kennel and pack up her toys and food… grab my coat…. turn around to handle the litter box and boom.  In walks the boss.  Hey… you got a minute?  Now, to the normal person, would you not see that I am trying to leave and take that as a sign that unless it was an urgent matter, it can wait?  Not him.

Me: looking at him with a quizzical expression

Boss: Were you leaving?

Me: Yes?

Boss: So how’s the kitten?

Kitten: MEOWWWWWWWWWWW

Me: Ready to go home.

Boss: I don’t feel like I’ve seen you all day – how was your day?

Me: It was good thanks.

Boss: sits down

Me: Stands there, kitten in tow.

Boss: Sit down!  Let’s catch up.

Me: unfurls kitten from her kennel, she runs around my office and straight up my bosses leg.  Kitten razor nails all strong.

Boss: oh! What a cutie you are!

Me: Yes…. so what’s up?

Boss: blah blah blah (work stuff that was not important but I can’t say here)

Me: Yes.

Boss: blah blah blah (work stuff that was not important but I can’t say here)

Me: Ok but I can do that tomorrow right?

Boss: Well, yes, but…

Kitten: goes over to her litter box (which was right by my boss’ foot) and poops.  Then, she flings litter back at him, jumps out of the box…. looks him and roars her mighty MEOWWWWW!

Me: recoil at the smell

Boss: recoil at the smell

Me: See.  I told you we needed to go.

Kitten: walks into her kennel and looks at me with a twinkle in her little blue eyes.

Me: (after boss leaves) Mommy is so proud of you! Poop on him any time.  Here’s a treat.

 

Uncle An

While travelling behind a car yesterday, I saw a regrettably dirty vehicle with the words “uncle an forever” scrawled beside a tiny hand print.  My eyes welled up a bit as I began to envision someone’s dear Uncle Andy or Andrew or Anthony….  I thought of how a sweet little kid must really be missing their uncle and how the holidays would be particularly tough.  I pondered this…. and as luck would have it, we both pulled into the gas station.

I looked with sympathetic eyes at the man pumping gas.  He looked at me a bit confused, but gave me a half hearted smile.  I said, “I’m sorry about your Uncle”.  He furrowed his brow and ignored me.  I figured it was a touchy subject, so I finished filling my tank and then it hit me.  I had been so horribly wrong about what the sign had said.  It wasn’t a dear Uncle An, rather it was “unclean forever”.

And that my bloggies is why I can never visit that gas station again.  And also why I should stop binge watching those dang Hallmark Christmas movies because they are making me more emotional and wholesome than usual.

Just…take it all in.

Good morning bloggies! I just logged back in to my site after a really long hiatus that’s due to a demanding work load and a basic lack of energy.  A lot has happened in the years I’ve been gone, so I have much fodder for posts.  As I was going through my draft folder, I unearthed this gem.  It took me right back to where I was almost exactly 5 years ago today.  Why I didn’t post it? I’m not sure.  Probably traumatized by it.  Now, however, as time does… trauma morphed into a snort fit of laughter.

Enjoy!

OH GOD.  This really did just happen…and I know I should be working rather than blogging, but I didn’t want to spare you guys one detail.

In order to appreciate the absurdity of it all, I must give you the back story.

My office mate has a rather putrid odor.  Not familiar?  Click here to see the letter I’d love to send him.  This is the same office mate that ripped his pants straight up the ass at work and wouldn’t go home to change them because… “um, why should I?”

His disdain for soap, basic hygiene and any sense of style aside, the first thing you think when you meet him is, “Wow.  He is wholly asexual.”  Honestly y’all, I’m pretty sure that if he wanted to, he could split and multiply.  I work in an office where really pretty people come in and out on a regular basis.  He doesn’t flirt, he doesn’t try to impress…and that’s both in and out of the office.  So, when the following happened, you can understand why I was both mortified and amused.

Me: Hello. I just need to grab these files.

Office Mate: Ba…uh…ba…ba…ba..ba..baw….. She’s a brick….. HOUSE…. She’s mighty mighty, just lettin it all hang out. Yeah your a brick….HOUSE….

Me: (deer in headlights look on my face – fight or flight response coming on – I don’t engage or acknowledge, which is hard because his knee is at my face.)

Office Mate: ‘s a brick….HOUSE. Your the one, the only one….

In abject terror, I get up from the file cabinet.  This was when he sneezes his spray sneeze all over the files in my hands….and probably me too, but I don’t like thinking about that.

He started laughing and said it was his new “song” (He’s in a band of middle aged crazy people that don’t sing as much as they do shout.) I just ran.  I guess when it comes down to it, fight or flight, I pick flight.  Stop judging me.

Bad Kitty

I have a cat named Daisy. I love her. However, she is a handful. Observe.

Wednesday

I had a particularly rough day at work, so I came home to my couch. I lit some tea lights, then snuggled in….kitties too. A little bit later, I needed to go to the restroom. I’m sitting there, and I smell smoldering. Instinct kicks in at this point. I leap up! Skivvies around my ankles, I start making a bee line for the living room. I look like a cross between a drunk sorority girl and a zombie as I’m tripping, stumbling and falling towards the living room. I fling off the unmentionables from my ankle and see my tea lights are all on and ok. My Daisy, however, has a smoldering ass.

She stares at me with a bright-eyed face and a sweet meow.

Me: What did you do!?!?!

Daisy: hunkers down, ears flat, smoke coming off her ass

Me: grab Daisy by the scruff and run to the kitchen sink

Daisy: lets out a growly cry

Me: I’m sorry!

Daisy: another growly cry

Me: plunge her smoldery smelly ass under the faucet and into the sink where the fur begins to literally fly

Fighting fur, a mad cat and the wretched smell of burnt hair, I assess the situation. It seems she jumped onto the table in the 30 seconds I was gone, swished her tail through the flames just enough to smolder, then jumped off the table.

Damn it Daisy. Then it got worse.

Thursday

I wake up and go about my normal routine – noting that Daisy was acting a little weird, but I attributed that to her smelly burnt ass. On my 45 minute drive to work, I determine I’m starving. I pull into a place to eat and…. wallet is missing!

All day I panic. What did I do with my wallet? I backtracked. I called places. No one had it… but no one was making any charges either, which was refreshing. All day I panicked and couldn’t leave to make the long drive home, then back to work because of a busy schedule.

When I finally make it home, I walk in to see that my house looks like a confetti cannon went off. Before I continue, you must know that my sweet darling has pica according to the vet. This means she has a compulsion where she can’t NOT eat things that are random. She eats everything that isn’t tied down, much like a dog. But what’s horrid is that when she eats on naughty things like electric cords, she looks at me with these sad eyes that seem to say, “I know I’m not supposed to, but I can’t stop!” So….picture it if you will:

Daisy has jumped onto the top of the fridge (by way of a counter she’s not to be on) and knocked down my calendar. This was traumatic apparently because she ate most of said calendar and spit it all over my kitchen and living room. Apparently in the living room, she found a (non toxic) plant. She proceeded to eat and spray leaf bits all over my floor. THEN. My mistake, but I left a bag of bows out from an after holiday sale. Daisy ate through the bag and played with them. All over the place.

DAMN IT DAISY.

She runs to hide.

As I begin to vacuum and clean, I forget that I’ve lost my wallet. After the vacuum doesn’t suck up all the little bits… I get on my knees and start picking it out of my carpet. This is why I see ALL of Daisy’s toys from the holiday stuck in the back of her kitty house. I think that she’s probably been hoarding them from her sister. So I reach in to pull them out and put them in the collective toy bin. This is when I feel a lump.

Yup.

My wallet was in there, so was some lip balm, a few hair ties and a Chanel lip stain I thought I lost. I have no idea how long she’s been playing kitty hoarder. And, the only way I think she got the wallet? She probably dug into my purse (which I admit on occasion I forget to zip and leave open on the kitchen table – which she doesn’t hop onto…apparently unless I’m in bed) to find another hair tie and knocked the wallet out by accident. The wallet was small, and she didn’t have to go far to get it to the hoarder kitty house…..apparently carrying it in her mouth like a prize bird….because the soft leather of my Coach wallet has teeth marks and is also stained with drool. I think that’s drool?

I’m glad I got it back, even if it isn’t pristine any more….. but DAMN IT DAISY. I guess that makes us even for me having open flame for her to burn her fur. Well played Daisy….

As I type this, she’s beside me sound to sleep. Clearly she’s had a long couple days.

Taylor’s Faux Pas

My beloved Taylor is having a rough month.  The cat has a wax belly and the dog peed on her Chistmas deer.

I had the pleasure of meeting up with Taylor for dinner, where she shared to stories of her week.  Enjoy.

Bad Dog!!!

If you’re single, we all have that item of clothing (or outfit) we wear for comfort and would simply die if anyone saw.  For me?  It’s a pair of blue pants I wore after back surgery.  The elastic in the waist is worn out so it gives me continual plumber crack.

Taylor hasn’t felt well lately, so she put on her comfort attire (which I will define shortly in detail).  I was envisioning her comfort attire as….well…. nothing heinous honestly.  She seems too put together to have comfort wear, but I suppose they say the same about me.

Anyway – Taylor’s comfort outfit is a salmon color tshirt that says ARUBA in nasty turquoise blue letters.  No bra.  Tucked into grey sweat pants with an elastic cuff, and big blue socks that have little balls on them.  Observe:

Now THIS is sexy….

Taylor was laying on the couch trying not to die when her doorbell rang.  Mortified that she was in her comfort wear, Taylor weekly made it to the door and squeaked “Who is it?”  Turns out it was a concerned co-worker there to bring meds and soup.  Awww.

Taylor told her to leave the materials at the door and she will get them.  No one would see Taylor in this outfit if she could help it!

A few minutes later, Taylor opens the door to get said items.  Call it slow reactions.  Call it bad dog.  Call it fate.  But something made Taylor’s dog Max make a mad dash for the outside world at this point.

Max is young and is not an outside dog, thus Taylor had to plow down the street of her neighborhood….. in her comfort-wear.  Here is how she said it went down, verbatim.

Taylor: YOU FU*&ING BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET BACK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Max: yelps and runs – this is a game for him now

Taylor: SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Max: gives her a look like… um actually? Yes.

Taylor: STOP! BAD DOG!!!!!!!

Max: cuts through a neighbor’s yard and proceeds to poop on said yard

Taylor, winded from having run and scream, while sick, scooped Max up, pulled some toilet paper from her pocket (apparently she has a cold), and cleaned up best she could.  Max seemed pleased, but Taylor feels she now has to move because her street has seen her comfy wear.

God Bless Taylor.

Really?

A few days later, Taylor went back to work.   At lunch, Taylor went to the little grocery by her office where all the earth-friendly people go.  People were giving her the once over, and she thought it was because she hadn’t brought in her re-usable grocery bag.  She felt guilty, but kept perusing.  After many scowls, Taylor began scowling back.

At the check out, Taylor’s checkout guy was also giving her the eye.  Then he asked if she’d like to buy a bag. And then this happened:

Taylor: THAT’S IT!!!!!!!!!  No.  I don’t want a bag.  I’m sorry I forgot to bring my reusable bag in, but I feel like crap and I’m on cold meds.  Whatever.  Just give me my stuff.

Bagboy: Gives her the once over and says: Really?

Taylor looks down.

Taylor: Oh shit.

Then she quickly grabs her bag and runs out.

Why?  Taylor was forced to  participate in her office Ugly Sweater party.  Apparently, Taylor forgot she was wearing said hideous sweater and THAT was what folks were looking at…. not her lack of earth-friendly carry alls.

So in the course of a week, Taylor, has gone from pulled together cutie to What Not to Wear.  God BLESS Taylor.  Hope she feels better soon.

Merry Christmas-Happy Holidays! Stay out of the ugly sweaters and off the cold meds.

Me

Semantics + Dirty Mind = …….

I told you I had a dirty mind lately.  Well, it got worse.

Proving, yet again, that semantics are important.  One man’s tomato is another man’s… well…. enjoy….

Coworker: Can we put up a link to fuzzy balls on my part of the website?

Me: What???

Coworker: Don’t be that way, look at it on the computer.   It’s fuzzyballs.com and I think it has good info on there.

Me: I’m not typing that in.  I’m afraid of what I might see.

Coworker:  silence

Me: Fine.  Ohhhhhhh.  It’s fuzzy YELLOW balls.com

Coworker: Yeah.  Isn’t that what I said?

Me: No.

Coworker: Oh.  Well whatever.  Can you link that for me?

Me: Sure…..

I then had to call HR and tell them that if they saw a search for “fuzzy balls” on my computer, it was NOT what it sounded like.  Rather, it was a coworker who had asked if I could link it to his web page and he left out yellow.  I sound like a moron.  A sick, twisted, moron.

I need wine.

 

My Office Is Possessed

My office has taken on 84 needy children for the holidays.  So sweet right?

Well, the stash of stuff is partly in my office.  Off and on for the past few days I have been hearing things.  I dismiss them to long hours, thin walls and a chef that beats meat.    Last night, however, I for a brief time believed my office was possessed.

I, working late like a good girl, kept hearing a jibber-jabber noise.  A few minutes later, I hear a muffled but distinctly creepy voice singing “Clementine”.

Alright.  Now I’m creeped out, but I’m certain I’m hearing things.

I head over to the piles of gifts and poke at them a little.

Silence in all the bags.

I sit down

Then I hear a different pitch chatter.

I get up to investigate again.

Silence.

I begin to move the bags I feel might contain said sound out from my office.

When I put down the bags, I hear the most demonic sounding “See you laaaa–ttt—eerrr” I’ve ever heard.

I squealed like a little girl, ran into my office, slammed the door and screamed, “Sweet Mother Of GOD!!!  Leave me alone!!!”

I sit back down and all is quiet for an hour.  I get up to open the door because I fear security will alarm me in if the door is shut.

Sit back down and you know what I hear?  HARMONIZING.

I begin to giggle.  Come on!  Demons don’t harmonize…..

I gather my courage to go investigate, dig under the bags until I find it….open the bag and…. I bet all you parents out there know what I found.

No?  It’s a Sing-a-ma-jig.  Have you heard of them?  Here’s a link to their official video page.  Note: I am not a paid spokeswoman for them, nor do I own one.  It’s just here for you to refer to them and know what creepy sounds I heard.   

Four Sing-a-ma-jigs dolls (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Creepy little bastards.

Enjoy your holidays!
Me

 

 

The Beebs Is Messing with Me

Perhaps it’s the wine.  Perhaps its the fact I’ve literally just finished work for the day (that’s a long damn day y’all).  However, I had to let you know that I have dubbed my first new office person:  Beebs.  And I’m relatively sure he enjoys messing with me.

Here’s why.

Strike 1:

I work in a place where you are more likely to hear Vanessa Mae’s “Storm” rather than anything Top 40.  Mind you, I drive in about an hour to work, so I bee-bop to the radio.  I come in and I’m getting my coffee, bopping to the beat….that’s when I realize I’m bopping to Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend”. I pause mid pour into my mug and realize that yes.  Justin Bieber really is blaring through our music system.  I also realize, much to my chagrin, that I apparently like this song…but I digress.

Turns out?  Our cleaning guy, AKA Beebs, left on the top 40 station.   I had two people comment, but after a quick change, we were all ok. I thought.

The whole rest of the day was plagued with foul-mooded people, and I fully blame Beebs for starting off our days.  Perhaps Bieber reminds people of a forgotten youth.  Perhaps he reminds people of the grandkids they miss.  Perhaps his hair just pisses them off.  I don’t know…but what I do know is Bieber is a bad omen in my work day.

Strike 2:

I have been at my office for a whole month, and I have yet to get a new trash can liner.  My liner is stained with ketchup, coffee and what looks like dirt but I’m sure is printer ink.  When the liner developed a rip, I thought I’d get another one.  No.  Beebs just tied a knot around the rip and stretched it over the can tighter.  Way to go Beebs.  Way to go.  I think he knows I want a new bag and is messing with me.  Lord your power of the bags over me.  Beebs of the Bags.

Strike 3:

Now I know why I don’t have a new liner.  I worked until around 10 one night.  I walk into the offices and I see Beebs, feet up on the desk, talking on the phone.  Rather than scurry with a flourish that OH I’ve been caught!, Beebs gives me a head nod and says Hey.  Then, he keeps talking.  Well played Beebs.  Act like it doesn’t matter.  Maybe you’ll convince me it’s ok that you use our phone lines and neglect our trash bags.  You almost had me- but I’m on to you.

Strike 4:

My next post:  Something foul in the state of my office.   I have no proof, but I have my brain’s conclusions, which are good enough for me.

 

It’s late and I must rest, but I am really sure that Beebs is messing with me.  I’ll keep you posted.

 

Night night,

Me

I’m Not Sure How I Feel About That

So, for giggles, I looked in the WordPress stats to see what people are searching for when they find my blog.  Some, I expected.  Some…. I have no idea what the hell they mean and/or am embarrassed that my keywords somehow fit this search.  Thank GOD this blog is anonymous.  Here are the highlights.

• weird people facebook

Ok. I talk about weird people a lot on this site.  I work with them, live with them, see them all the time.  I’m ok with this one.

•  flirty auto correct

Svetlana’s auto corrects are far from flirty, except the time she referenced orifices.

• gangster things to put on facebook

I have to bray-laugh at this.  Gangster Squirrels rule the world.  Oh no?  You doubt me?  Read here.  Here.  And here.  But, while I respect people Google it, I’m not sure what self respecting gangster, be he/she of the squirrel persuasion or otherwise, actually HAVE to look up things to be gangster.  Indeed, I would argue that you can’t BE gangster unless you already know the things to say. You think Tupac Shakur (RIP buddy) or Snoop Dogg ever Googled how to talk gangster or cool gangster lingo?  Nay!!!  Sad days you wannabe gangsters.

• ho ho and ding dong on neighbor’s porch

and the equally awesome

• red woven poncho

Really!?!  I’m not sure where those even came from.  What in God’s name?

•  flirty vaguna

That’s probably because I have a post that includes a bad autocorrect from Svetlana.  Hey…maybe she DOES send flirty texts?  But come on now.  It’s not a lagoon…..use your spell check.

• men peeing unnoticd

Alright.  Gross.  Is this because I referenced ONE TIME that homeless people pee outside my office window?  Please, persons that found my blog using that phrase, please don’t read this blog.  It creeps me out….and again, use your spell check.

• wine slush

Yeay!  PIC and I do this a lot.  So… yeah.  I get this one too.

• Is Clint Eastwood Dead?

Um….. I suppose that’s from the Izzy post I did.  But the answer is no…..in case you wanted to know.

• classy woman

Ok.  I’ll admit it.  I’m flattered.  However, not really sure how that search term led to me.

• God Help that Child

Well, yes.  But…. how did this happen upon me?

• teen funk

This one is classic.  I did have an outing with PIC that involved the stench of teens. 

• sister is in labor what to do

I can tell you what NOT to say and do…. but I’m not the blog to check on this topic.

• jailbird celebrations

Do you know how the caged bird celebrates?  This is an oxymoron if you ask me.  But you didn’t…. so there.  That’s my unwarranted opinion.

• what does it mean when you say “i blew that out the window”

Yep.  That exact phrase.  With quotes.  Did I ever post something on that? I am using the context clues here, but, who does use that phrase?  Out of the water? Sure. Out the window? Not so much.

**************
So dear readers, if you have a blog, I encourage you to have a drink and check your stats.  Hilarity is bound to ensue.  Cheers my lovelies!